Pregnancy, Snow, Weak Marriage and God

A very dear and close friend to me told me yesterday she was pregnant. She told me when she didn't really tell anyone else, all because she valued our friendship. She was there when we went through all of our rough times, our losses, our happiness, her baby's birth and now through my rough time of my husband and I marriage. I am honestly, happy for her and her husband. There is no bitterness there at all, that I think alot of people would think. I wouldn't wish what Mark and I have gone through to anyone.

I remember reading baby books when we first started trying how alot of couples, who have been trying for awhile with no luck, that their marriage gets weak. I read, that alot of couples even go through separation and divorce. I remember thinking that, we wernt going to be like that. We loved each other and we were strong. But then again I never thought that we would of been trying for so long with loss after loss.

I don't know why this is what life has brought us. Why people can get pregnant so easily and it takes longer for others. But I have learned over these past few years, that I cant look at other people and be jealous. I cant!!! Their life is not my life. I want to think that Mark and I have to go through this rough patch, to be strong for our future babies. I know babies suck the romance out of most marriages, because you its not just you two anymore. There is this human being that is now more important and takes up 100% of your time. Its not a bad thing, but I know that it can and will damper your love life. I want to think too, that Mark and I were weak all along. We were spiritually weak and what we are doing right now, is learning each other all over again. I have learned so much about myself and my faults that I am so glad to be fixing, as a person and as a wife. I'm learning to depend on God with our marriage and that I cant make things change over night. I cant make anything happen. God can make our hearts change. He can make us stronger and appreciate each other.

I don't know where our baby making will go. We are no longer at the moment trying. We know this is the right thing. Its okay!! I'm okay with it. I couldn't imagine bringing a baby into our weak relationship. I think it would just spiral downwards, but then again, it could always make us stronger. I know God will give us a baby when he is well ready for us too.

You know how when you get what you want and it took a long time to get it, you look back and see why it took so long? Before I never understood...because nothing happened, but impatience for me. But now that Mark and I are going through this, I can see. I can see how weak we are. I can see how for years we have been trying for a baby. That our focus was no longer on us, no longer on the Lord, but simply just baby making, not even love making. What kind of a marriage is that. We were separating. We were mad all the time. There was no spark there anymore. As weak as we are still, Mark tells me he loves me, he tells me hes in love with me. We do our devotion, we pray, we arnt fighting, we are watching what we are saying to each other, because we are caring. We don't want to hurt the other persons feelings, when before, we didn't care. We were right, they were wrong and we were going to argue till we got our points across.

I was never happy with our marriage and how I acted. Mark said he knew it for awhile that it was getting bad, but I guess I never wanted to believe it. I just wanted a baby. My views and outlooks didn't go anywhere else. I guess I just was in tunnel vision. On top of our marriage and Mark telling me, he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore, the Dr says I need to go see a Specialist. That's what I needed. I cant do anything anymore. I have to go out of town, have money, have gas, have time, for both of us and go. Its another step, another worry, another stress, we just cant do right now. I'm hoping that our marriage will get really strong the next couple of months as we go to counseling and do our devotions. I know marriage is something you have to work at on a daily basis. Life happens, things change, you change and things get hard. Divorce is not even an option to me. That's what the devil wants. I took my vows before God. That makes me think too. God doesn't want us to marry someone who isn't of God, because of times like this. I think all the time, what if we were going through this and Mark didn't know God. I mean, I couldn't talk to him, and tell him things about God and what he designed for us, cause he wouldn't care or wouldn't understand, cause he wouldn't know Him. But Mark knows God, but like I said before, I think hes weak spiritually. I have gone through so much in my life, that I had to run on God and depend on Him, that I think made me strong. But when you have never had to do that, then its hard when you have too.

Well I think I rambled long enough....I'm at home, because it SNOWED!!! I love snow...it means alot to me. I don't know what it is. Something white, something pure. I just love it and I hope I can get alot of things done today and my husband and I do some romancing......love to all!!!