I had lunch last week with a friend of mine. I have talked about her before, because she wrote the book "Single woman seeks perfect man". I'm pretty sure I have explained how we have met in the past, and it still blows my mind when I really think about it, that she is supposed to be in my life. We had a quick lunch, which is weird, because we had been trying to get together for a week or two, but with both of our schedules, it just wasn't happening. But we did finally get together and have a quick chat and catch up a bit with where we are in life. She did reveal to me that she was praying before we met, to see what we needed to talk about and God put on her heart that I need to start writing my book (in which I cried). I told her that I had started a few months ago, but just got overwhelmed because I kept having to go back and add stuff the more I thought about it.
Ive thought about what she has told me, since we met and I'm just waiting on God to give me the GO to start and be content in what I am writing. She gave me some pointers and told me she would help me not waste time in writing. I honestly need to pray more about what God wants me to fully talk about and what type of book its going to be. Ive always felt like it was going to be an encouragement type book. I know through every trial I have faced, every positive, negative time in my life, there is a reason. I know God has created me for this purpose and I pray almost daily for him to use me the way He has planned. I feel like I can reach out to so many types of people.....kids who have lost a parent, people facing and defeating cancer, infertility women, infidelity couples, miscarriage support.
I don't want people to think that I come across, Oh, poor Rachel....because honestly....I feel so blessed. I sometimes look at my life, like I have it easy. God has just blessed me beyond measure and I thank him everyday for that. I don't know how I get by financially sometimes, but I know I trust God.
I wrote this the other day, before going to work. I knew I wanted to blog this, but I didn't have time.
I wrote.....Have you ever felt chosen? That you were put on this earth for a specific reason? Something big? life altering? That this earth is nothing.....with Jesus you have everything. I know I don't belong in this world. My heart is with Jesus and I'm just living here until its my time. I know while I'm here, I need focus on Gods path and witnessing to others. I know God has chosen me.....to make a difference. I know he has chosen me, to let me go through life changing trials to change and mold my heart for something specific one day. Each and every hard time in my life and good time, is for something big. I want to be able to touch people and help people who is or will go through any of those. I didn't want any of those things to happen, but God has wrapped his big arms around me with every single one of them and has placed loving, wonderful people in my life when I needed them.
I have to admit, that when I look back at most of those hard trial times, I think of Mark first. He was there with every one, expect of course the last one. I know Ive probably said this before, but I don't know if its because its the latest, freshest one or if its just because its true, but him leaving and going through a divorce is probably the worst one. I'm sure some people are like, losing a parent or a child or facing death isn't the worst? Going through a divorce and losing someone who is your other half, feels like almost all of them combined. I lost any future of having a child with him, I was so depressed that I wish the cancer would of taken me, and any dream that I had or hope of the future was demolished in like 2.5 seconds. The trust alone that you put in someone, especially a spouse, the one person you should be able too, no matter what, was gone. Your world, your life, your dreams, your hope, your future, gets shattered, that's why I went off the deep end. I didn't rebel and go out and do drugs or sleep with men when my mom died. I didn't go curse God or hate babies when I miscarried. I didn't give up on life when I had cancer. But when Mark left, I turned from God. I was mad.....not at God, but at the fact that I thought I had done things the right way, that I had waited till I was married to make love for the first time. That we prayed together (the family that prays together, stays together) and went to church and tried helping and reaching out to people. I thought with all the trials we have faced, we were strong. I felt like it was all useless and it just went down the drain. So then I acted out. I started going to the pubs, hanging out with guys, made out with guys that I just met. I lived in sin for 8 months.....but I did love him. I was wrong for doing that, but in no way, shape or form was that for payback or in despite. We had this amazing love, but yet, wrong love for each other. The divorce, him cheating and leaving.....made me go off the deep end.
{Part 1}
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