Many posts

I have written 2 post the past two day and they didn't make it. Something happened and they are saved to my blog, and I can post them, but I think God is telling me he didn't want me to post them. So I have them. I know actually for a fact God doesn't want me too. Its my human thoughts, but not my spiritual feelings. I know we arnt supposed to trust our feelings or emotions and that our heart can deceive us.

One of them was about Valentines Day and I wrote one like an hour ago, and it was basically me venting. I cant let this out. I am still going through the emotions. Its just hard to sit here and watch God build me, knowing that something LATER is going to be great. My life isn't shabby now though. I'm actually enjoying being single and being alone. I actually turned a couple of dates down for Valentines Day and spent alone with me. Jesus was my Valentine and it was great! I'm usually the one who wants all the works and has to make it perfect each and every year with each holiday or event, but Ive realized, that's not important. Its really, what you have that God has blessed you with and the people in it. I had many people reach out to me yesterday who love and care about me. I was really overwhelmed with love and joy.

Ive realized over the past year, how much Ive grown. How much Ive realized the person I want to be. I can look back and see how selfish I was and how it had to be my way all the time. I realized that I wasn't an easy person to live with or be with, but now I'm really easy and laid back. I don't really stress that much and if I do, its about finances, in which I have to stop and give it all to the Lord. I had someone tell me the other, I'm really easy to talk too. Ive learned alot to let the other person talk or finish talking before speaking. Its all about growing and turningg into the person you want to be with. I'm so glad I have had this time in my life for myself and God. I know this is a crucial age to be in. I'm an adult, not a kid. Time to start a family and really seek in my heart what I really want and need out of life. This is the time, for me to grow and be happy with just me.

Mark and I grew up together. We were each others everything. We didn't have time to grow and find us. We didn't go out on our own and find what we really wanted with just our own head and thoughts. We had each other all the time. I don't regret anything, but am appreciative of the time Ive had now. I hope one day I can make a man happy and he can accept me for me and can see who I am now and not who I once was. I hope he has a deep personal relationship with Christ like me. I want to submit to him and have him the leader in our own and the strong father figure to our kids. That is my dream. I didn't have dreams after Mark left. I felt like they all got ripped from me and they did. My dreams are different now, better!!!! I have God and I want his will in my life and I want to have a family raised the right way with God first. I know God has someone out there for me and I cant wait to feel that connection again and to have someone to snuggle up with. But until then, its me and God and I'm happy :)