My thoughts

I have been working so much lately. In fact, so much that I was so sleep deprived the other day that I fell off of a ladder at work. I was okay!!! My co worker even took my hours away cause she said I need to get some rest!!! I got almost as much as the managers and that's rare!! I have been so blessed though, cause that's exactly what I have been praying for. Today I was off and got alot of much needed stuff done, but I need to mow again and I guess I might do that after church tomorrow!!! I don't know!!!

But Ive been thinking alot lately about my future. I noticed God has taken away any desire or love of man away except towards my husband and I don't understand.

I think of the kind of man that I do want. I still want a big guy that's tall and just so focused on God. I want him to pray before making any decision and us both praying as a couple for that decision. I want him to read the Bible everyday and to pray and seek God all day. I want us to pray together and listen to Christian music and make sure we go to church every Sunday without an excuse. I want his family to love me and accept me and love God also! I wonder if my husband can ever be that man. I wonder if my husband even wants to be that kind of man or wants to be with me. Hes so far in sin and has surrounded himself with Un-Godly people, I don't see him ever getting away or wanting too. I know God can do anything, but I wonder if my husband will always lie and cheat behind my back. I always wonder if he did this to me during our whole relationship. Maybe our relationship was a BS relationship, maybe it wasn't real or true?! I wasn't perfect, but I did put my whole heart into it. I'm always scared to get hurt again from anyone else. I'm worried when I do start dating if they will be shady or eventually cheat on me or keep stuff from me or not be honest. I sometimes think maybe I'm just supposed to be alone. Maybe when I get in a relationship I always somehow put them before Christ without realizing it. I don't want to do that. I want God to be number one, always.

I'm just at this stopping point in my life. My husband never wants to talk about divorce. Deep down I don't either, because I think the longer he takes, maybe a miracle can happen. But sometimes, I just want him to hurry up so I can move on. I know my husband doesn't love me anymore. I think he does stuff for me and helps me cause he feels guilty and he does have a big heart. But I'm pretty sure he has no feelings towards me. After everything that we had went through, and him being there for me when my mom died and come seeing me, to being every night in the hospital with my cancer, and holding my hand during our babies, the devil has yanked all those caring, loving feelings away. I guess the devil won!!!!! My husband let the devil win another broken marriage and family. I wish my husband was strong enough to see that God is so much bigger and if he would just see and have faith and trust in God that He can do anything. But my husband wont. My husband wants to move back to San Antonio and be around his family, which I don't blame him. I know he misses them. Who knows....maybe him and her are meant to be. Maybe they will get married and have babies and grow old together. Maybe she gives him everything that he wants and can satisfy him in which I couldn't. I hope and pray that maybe there is a man out there who can see my heart. That he can see that the old wife that I was wont be that way to him. I hope he can see that I have grown up emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I hope and pray that he sees my beauty, that I'm real!!! I am who I am!!! I want him to love me, through my trials and heartaches that this is me and I hope he accepts it and loves it, because they are all lessons in this life and has made me who I am!!! I want someone who can stand by my side no matter what may face us. That with Christ on our side, we will always be strong!!

My thoughts can get the best of me some times. But I'm okay!!! I really am!!! I just wonder what amazing things God has for me, for being obedient and being patient.