Going thru the emotions

I was good....like I still think I am. But I can see I'm starting to go through the emotions. I want a divorce one day and I visualize a man that who loves me and who actually wants to be with me. Then I think of all the time I invested in my husband and its hard to let that go. Why does he choose to live this way? I wish I had someone there fighting for me....I wonder what that feels like. But he is choosing wrong, and sometimes I think, he will never change. He will always live his life in destruction and one day he will wake up and realize and then it will be too late. But I cant think of him like that. He is choosing this. He is making his own decisions and going down the path that he wants to go down. I need to focus on me and what will make me happy and walk the path the Lord has set for me. Maybe it is time for the divorce. Maybe its time to just remember what we had and just move on. Maybe its time to let go of something that may never be there. I cant make him love me. I cant make him want to be with me. I cant make him fight for us and the family we could of had. I cant control him and the choices he makes. I don't know why I care. I don't know why God wants me to wait and wait and wait. I know there is a reason and whatever the outcome may be, it will bring me happiness. Its just hard. I get lonely and especially with Valentines Day coming up and our 5 year and 11 year anniversary is coming up. I mean, what do I do? What do I say? Those are big numbers!!! How can he throw it away??? How can I turn down men who want to be with me? I get asked EVERY SINGLE DAY to go out, or they wish they could be mine, or come over and I dont! I have no desire, but deep down, I want to feel loved and needed! I want to kiss someone and someone to hug me and hold me, who would want to cuddle with me. He dosent care about me. I think if I got cancer again, he might even be happy, then he wouldn't have to deal with me. I know that might be mean to say, but I do think that. I dont think he would even be there for me. Its sad to think that someone you spent almost half of your life with, dosent want to be in your life. Marks nice to me, dont get me wrong. Hes there for me if I needed a little help.
I just hope and pray that one day God can give me someone who WANTS to be in my life. Who will never leave no matter how hard the circumstances get. That will stand by my side and wait on me to get better if Im sick or needing help. I would of never left Mark side, no matter what. I sometimes think I loved him too much. I wonder if my love will ever fade with him. Im standing right now with our marriage, standing here, alone, waiting and hoping and praying that he will come back. Sometimes I wonder if I want him to come back. What if he never changes? What if he will always cheat? What if he always will lie and keep stuff from me? What kind of marriage or relationship will that be? I hate days like this when my thoughts get the best of me.