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I want to give up on you. I want to just move on. I get tired of fighting. I get tired of hoping, that one day, you will change. I don't get it. I don't get, how you live this way and feel okay. You actually believe this is what you want and that your happy. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe deep down you doubt yourself. But theres nothing I can do. I feel like you are so deep in sin right now, that your scared to just walk away. What are you going to lose? Your always going to have this battle, as long as you live this way. You are always going to want more of earthly things to try and make you happy, and one day, it will click. Everything that you tried to satisfy you and all the pain and hurt you could of avoided, will all make sense. Its God who you need and want. But your going to have to hit rock bottom for yourself. It may be tomorrow, it may be a year from now, it may be 10 years from now, I don't know. But I know you will.

I think the difference between my story and yours is, even though when I was living in sin, my heart cried. Even though, I didn't speak to God, I cried for him in my heart. I missed my relationship with God and I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I justified it, by you leaving and her leaving him and us being lonely and going through the same thing together. But I knew in my heart what I was doing. I knew that I was going against God. He talked to me everyday and I didn't respond or listen. But when I heard Him, I cried. I had prayed to God at the beginning of Cass and I relationship, for God to change his heart into feeling the same way as mine, which was, we wernt supposed to be together. I didn't want us to hurt each other. And did you know, that God answered my prayer........7 months later. But he did!!!! I pray for you everyday, and I know its not going to be instant. I wonder sometimes if I'm praying for the wrong thing. I do pray everyday for you to repent and turn to God and have the desire to live for Him and to get back on track. I don't even pray for us to get back together everyday. As a Christian, as your wife, I want you to be close to God FIRST!!!! I want you to live for him, not for me, or for anyone, but for Him. Its hard to see someone you love and care for, spiral into a destructive lifestyle. Why is it, that everyone can see it, but you cant? Even when I lived in sin, I knew what I was doing was wrong. Look at you!!!!! Just stop and look!!!! You don't have any Godly friends. You don't go to church. I'm sure you still pray, but I cant see you having a relationship with Christ like you used too. Who are you? I admit, when I lived in sin, I turned from all my Godly friends, because I was guilty and wrong. But they were my friends, because when I walked away, they were there, welcoming me back with open arms and with prayers. Even if you walk away, from everything and none of them stay, then who were they to you anyways?

You can have this lifestyle. You can make the devil proud, cause I know your not making the Lord proud. I wrote you a letter, and explained everything. If it hasn't clicked by now, or if you don't feel God tugging on your heart, then I really wonder your salvation. I even learned in church, if you do something wrong and you don't get that instant feeling of guilt, then he said, you better check your salvation. Because the Holy Spirit lives within you, and it tells you whats wrong and whats right. Why live this life of guilt or misery? You can sit there all day and say your happy. But you and I both know there is something missing. Its not me.....its God. Its the peace of God within you. Let me say this....its worth it. I'm at peace no matter what happens with you, or with my life. I am at peace cause I have a relationship with God and I'm doing His will!!

Now the devil may be saying to you, GOOD FOR YOU RACHEL!!!! But, that's the thing.....the more your going against God, the more your allowing the devil to manipulate you into thinking wrong things. I'm sure you hear it all too.

You don't love her
Remember everything she did to you, she didn't change
Why fight, that's going to take along time
Shes never going to trust you
Your happy here, she makes you happy
She don't tell you what to do, she lets you live your life
Why go back and live in HER house
You want to move, and shes never going to move back home with you
Now you can go to the bar or drink as much as you want, and don't have to hear it from her
Y'all wernt meant to be, y'all had to many struggles

Am I right or am I right?

Ive heard them too!!!!! But then I simply open up the Bible and it tells me different. I want you to know, that your not hurting me anymore. Your actually hurting yourself, and I feel bad for you. That's why I encourage you with Gods word and with what I have learned, because I care for you. I hate seeing you live like this, because you are worth so much more. But like I had said before.....theres going to be a time, when our divorce is final, and Ive moved on, and I'm not going to be here for you, waiting on you, praying for you, like I am now.