hmmmm

Ive just been wondering and thinking what God has in store for me. Wanna know something weird? I'm wearing jeans now. One day I got up, tried on a pair of jeans, took em off. Saw another pair of jeans, took em off. Looked in a different drawer so another pair of jeans and put em on and loved it. I wore em to work. I felt good, felt different, felt out of my comfort zone but got complemented on alot and it made me feel good. I liked getting out of my comfort zone. I liked trying something different. I liked walking by a mirror and seeing something different. Its something as simple as wearing something your not used to wearing, that can change your day and attitude. I always get in this faze with things. Ill wear skirts forever, Ill wear polka dots for ever, Ill wear leggings for ever, Ill wear black and white forever. But for some reason, since Mark left, Ive stepped out of my comfort zone. Ive slowly been turning into a new person, Inward and outward!!! My relationship with Christ is the closest its ever been and I want to get closer. I still struggle daily, where I don't talk to God as much. I want him to be the only one who I turn to everyday. I want to talk to him all day long. I know once I slowly stop talking to him during the day, I easily get distracted and that's when I fall from his closeness. I try and read his word everyday. Sometimes I get behind and I catch up, like tonight, but that's okay. Now that I'm caught up, I can blog. I also kinda had to stop talking to a few people, cause they distracted me from staying close to God. This world and everyday life, is so easy to fall from God and to just live for you or your loved ones. But I never want to do that again. I always want God number one. Even the person I end up with, I want God to be number one in theirs. I want us to always help and remind each other, who's first, when everyday living distracts us.
My life has been blessing after blessing when I put my trust and faith in God. He amazes me everyday with his love and him providing for my needs. I even sometimes feel like I fail when I buy something I might not need, but want. Actually that guilt has been kinda on me alot lately. But I read today where God says, not too, but to focus on his unfailing love, for we will always fall short and wont be worthy of his love and grace, but that he loves us so much, he forgives us.
I know in my blogs I might repeat myself alot, but I just write whats on my mind. I sometimes get mad at where my life is. I don't get mad at God, I get mad at my situation. I don't understand, but at the same time, I'm at peace with it. I know God is teaching me something. I know one day I'm going to look back and be like, ohhhhhhhhhhh, I see and understand why I needed to go through that. Its hard knowing that your husband is with someone else and that he don't want to be with you or love you, but yet wont get a divorce. I really put in perspective the other day, what I really wanted. I was thinking.....

Do I want a divorce??????
Yes, So I can move on
Marks never going to change
There's someone else out there that is better for me
I don't know if I will ever fully trust him again
what if he does this again?
what if he can never be happy with me?
There's a reason why he left
Am I what he could ever want?
Will I ever be happy?
Do I want kids with him? What if he walks out on his family?

Then I was like NO
Ive spent 11 years with him
He was always there for me
We have 3 babies together
He moved up here to be with me
My husband is just fallen for the devils lies
My husband can change if he wanted too
I can trust him with Faith in God and Marks willingness
Can I throw away all this time?
This isn't what God wants
I don't think Mark knows what a divorce actually does to your spirit

I know as human we all think of everything. A divorce isn't a small thing. Its a life changing thing. Its something you committed for the rest of your life and because of one or two people, it can totally crush peoples lives and dreams. When we stood up there in front of God and everyone, we said vows. Life long vows, that people don't take seriously anymore. I don't care if you HATE that person that your married too, you should stay, because with God he can change and restore your heart.
You know, the other day, I was talking to my friend and she told me, that I need to watch Diary of a Mad black woman, said, I would like it. I watched it, but hated the ending. As much as her husband did her dirty, she should of stayed with her husband. Do you realize how many times we stray and turn our back from God, or we forget him all together and live our life, but when something bad happens, who do we normally run too? GOD!!!! Why should he be there???? In the Bible it says to live like Christ would live. What if God gave up on you? What if he got tired of you? I know we arnt God, and we arnt as loving, but still. There is a reason why God wants us to live like Christ.
Trust me, I want to just tell Mark to get the divorce and that him and her deserve each other. But at the same time, God is knocking on my heart and says, WAIT!!!!! I don't know what I'm waiting on, but I have faith!!!!! Its all I can have right now. I might be waiting on a divorce, I might be waiting on Mark repenting and turning away from his evil lifestyle, I might be waiting on something that hasn't even entered my mind, because God is that awesome!!!! But I know if God is wanting me to wait, then I shall wait, and I know it will be good :) Its hard though. Its hard knowing that hes off living his life and I'm being a faithful wife at home, just living my life to my fullest that I can.