New season

Its official!!! I am in a new season of my life. Cass and I broke up, but we both agreed God was telling us we arnt meant to be. I'm glad that we didn't hurt each other in this. We are trying to remain friends, even though everyone tells me that its impossible to be friends after you are in a relationship.

Within 24 hours after Cass and I broke up, I got sick and ended up in the hospital with appendicitis. Its weird how it all came about so fast and I didn't understand then why, but now looking back I can see why. When Cass and I broke up, I immediately started to search God and have him back in my life. When I was with Cass, I knew I was going against Him and I couldn't face God because of guilt. Well after he left, I needed God. I had to take time off of work to heal and in this time, I have really got closer to God and closer to my Christian friends. God has put this fire in my heart to fight for my marriage. I don't see how its going to work, and I'm not even sure if I want to be with him, if I could fully trust Mark again, but I'm doing it, because its in my heart. All this stuff has been put before me everyday, about infidelity and about God changing hearts and even watching Fireproof movie. The same night I felt to wear my wedding ring again which was really weird to me, since I haven't worn in since May. I know God knows the choices Mark is going to make and he knows if we are going to end up in divorce or not.

My life right now is just waiting. I'm waiting on God and praying that I go down the path He wants me to go down. Its no fun being by myself and not having a mate or someone there for me everyday. I'm honestly not looking forward to not even making love to someone. I love having someone around me, telling me they love me and spending time with someone you love. I'm not used to really being by myself, but I know God has put it in my heart to have this time to focus on me and God. I know God is there and I really want God to be all that I need and want. I then know then I can give me to someone and have a healthy relationship and not depend on them so much.

One day when talking to Dani Miser, Author of the Book, "Single woman, seeks perfect Man", God really just was talking through her to me. It took me awhile to "feel" God and I know its because I still had my walls up and also I learned that God wants us to keep going to Him. But in that day, God overwhelmed me and told me that I am going to write a book and everything that I have gone through in life will touch many people. I know the book will be about me and the things I have faced, but its going to be about God and his love and trust and faith. I pray that God will reveal to me what it is I was made for. I know everything that I have gone through is a testimony. Even when I was living in darkness, that can be a testimony. I now can even relate to Mark and what he is doing. The devil always makes things seem good and feel good, but its all a lie. If you really know Jesus and have accepted him in your heart you can feel God tugging. At one point I even was waiting on my heart to get hardened, so I wouldn't feel the guilt. But God never left my side. He also knew I was too weak to get out of the relationship and so he touched Cass's heart. I miss being in a relationship with him cause he was such a good man, but at the same time, I never could see "us".

I do hope whoever reads this, that you pray for me and the struggles that I know I'm going to face. The devil is already after me and tempts me everyday and also gives me the uneasy feeling in my stomach. I pray that I stay on the right track and not stray and that I strive to do Gods will and what he wants me to do in life. I pray for my marriage and that God can restore our hearts and our love for each other. Thank you!