Im bleeding again

My emotions are on a roller coaster. I know this....I knew it would be good and then bad and then numb....I knew this. I broke down today...Last night, I was talking to a couple of guys who are going through the same thing. I want to sit here and tell you everything that happened, but I cant. I cant let it get to certain people, but while they were trying to make me feel better, I was crying inside. They were trying to help me and give me the words to tell me about this whore and how she is and yet, I was loving Mark more as they put him down. Shouldn't I of gotten mad??? Shouldn't I of agreed? Why was I falling more and more in love with him? I think its because they never knew the Mark that I knew. They didn't know the way he used to look at me and make me feel like everything was going to be okay.

I just want to be happy. I have plenty of guys interested and I have plenty of guys tell me I'm beautiful and "Amazing"....But why do I wish Mark could be the one to tell me that and mean it? Why isn't he getting my divorce yet? Why should I wait on him? I feel like he has power over me and by him making me feel that way, I'm lashing out. I'm doing things that I never thought I would do and say. I'm not proud of myself. I'm finding who I am, the wrong way. This person that I'm acting like, is NOT the person that I am.

Mothers Day is coming up. More depressing....not only was it depressing before sharing it with my husband with no babies, but now I have no husband or babies. I'm going to spend it alone. I'm sure he wont even think of me and our babies that day. I don't know who he is. How can he walk away from our babies? How can he crush our future and dreams that we once had together? I don't want to care anymore. My mind races sooooo much that I'm exhausted at the end of the day.

I'm sorry this has been a depressing blog post. But this is how I'm feeling at the moment. I feel so alone. I sit here in my room, wanting to crawl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep. I hate that one person can do this to me. I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to have feelings for him. I want someone who loves me for me. I want someone who's family loves me. I want a Godly man that I will trust with all my might and soul. I want a man that makes me smile, just from looking at me with the love in his eyes. I want a man who can take care of me emotional, physically, financially and lovingly. I longed to feel those feelings. I want him to be a kisser, a good cuddler, someone who can wrap their arms around me and me feel so safe, love and secure. Someone who will love to have a growing family with me.

I know Mark and I wont be back together. I can feel it in my soul. I just wish this hope would go away....I don't want it anymore. I want the man that God wants me to be with. I want to go down his path and serve him, cause I know I will be truly happy.

I'm tired.....I'm tired of caring and hoping!!!! I want this storm to be over with!