Being in a relationship can be so hard. Taking time away for a couple of years and just focusing on myself and not worrying about anyone else was very relaxing. Like with anything else though there are pros and cons to everything. I remember having my lonely moments and having my moments of just wanting a mate since I did enjoy being a wife. I knew God was preparing me for a husband and I couldn't wait to meet him.
Since meeting Brian, I can honestly say that it hasn't been the easiest ride and we have only known each other for a few months. We have based our relationship on God and have tried to pray about any choices, the small and the big with everything that we have faced so far. We have realized that as humans and having past relationships, it has made our relationship a little rocky, but we always pray and God always comes through.
We are the same age and I can honestly say we know who we are as individuals and who we are in Christ and what we would like in this life with Gods plan. I know me personally, I have my insecurities which I have prayed about and have been working on and God has helped me out alot with it and relieving the issue. Then sometimes trust can be an issue, just because of our past relationships and I know its just a natural way of having your guard up and learning your lesson to watch to have it not repeated again.
At the end of the day, Brian and I are still learning each other and sometimes we do things that the other person hasn't seen or was capable of doing and I know it can cause some problems. In fact something like that did happen, and now we are praying about it. I wont say that I'm not a little scared, because I know God can change anyones heart and can change "your" plans at any given moment. It also doesn't help that I'm sick and hormonal at the moment with some other personal things going on right now. I cant seem to focus on anything and in fact, I had to leave work early today because I couldn't focus.
You may wonder why I'm writing this in my blog and its because this is real. Brian and I are a Christian couple who arnt perfect, we say things we don't mean, who do things out of thinking, who have doubts and want to make sure that we are doing Gods will. Its hard to sometimes put your full trust in someone when their human. I think sometimes we think there is something wrong with us, when we do step back and ask God if we are making the right choices, because I know in this life, in this world, its easy to get wrapped up in the busy life and having fun, that we get distracted and then something happens and we start doubting. I also know it could be the enemy, trying to go out to kill and destroy anything God based.
All I know, is Brian is a great guy. The past hours we had this communication problem, I once again had to look at our relationship and what I really wanted and if this would work. I cant imagine being with anyone else, anyone who is such a great guy for me. No one can calm me down the way he does. No one can make me feel protected like he does. Ive never wanted to submit to a man like I do him. I trust him when he says he knows what hes doing or he tells me something hes done. We pray together, we put God number one, we both have morals, we both want what God wants for us and we also pray for the other person when they arnt exactly on track as the other. In fact, like before I said that I wrote a list 2 years ago and hes everything off that list.....how often does that happen??? I remember reading it next a high school next to his house and I was in complete denial, because I didnt want to be in no relationship, lol. God likes to laugh up in heaven..........
I know I have seen God change hearts so fast and so much within the past month within both of us, that if for some reason we wernt meant to be, I would be confused. If you remember my prior posts, I have said that I wasn't even fully really to be a relationship and yet, God took someone out of my life and placed him in my life the same day and then a few weeks later, I had my wall up so high and Brian prayed for me and asked me to pray and the same day I prayed was when my best friend texted me and said, 'I think your going to him', and I remember my heart was starting to change, those walls were being torn down and it wasn't me doing it. It scared me, I was building them back up when God would tear more down, but God was faster at tearing down than I was at building. I ended up falling in love with this man. God kept showing me all the good things in him, like watching and listening to him teach his class in church and looking at him and falling in love with more and more, because he was that Godly man that I desired. It was him coming over and volunteering to help me around the house with things I couldn't do or didn't know how to do or even didn't have time to do. It was his sweet texts and him wanting to spend time with me. It was him wanting to pray together. It was him wrapping his arms around me and grabbing my hand and kissing it. One thing I love more than almost all those, is the simple grabbing my hand with both his hands in church when its time to pray. There are no words to describe it. Its a man, loving his woman, loving his God and bringing them as one, because that is also my God and my man. There are so many more things I can say about Brian. I know he would be provider, I know he would be a great father and a great best friend for me.
I realized though and I know its a bad habit of mine is I do look for the bad. Brian has so many good to out weigh the bad, but I know the bad is what "could" hurt me and I know that I'm still a little scared of being hurt again. Its gotten actually alot better, but its still there. For the past few weeks, I have really worked on focusing on just the good in Brian and have looked at him totally different. I have had more peace and more comfort around him and even started opening myself up to his family and his personal life. With me, its baby steps and some people don't really understand that. I'm a very open person, but at the same time my image is important. When I know that someone could possibly be my family one day, its where I don't know how to be me. I remember my prior marriage and my ex would always say to me before we would go see his family, "just be yourself", because I would shut down. I know I can be too much or look crazy to some, but yet all my friends that "know" me know that I'm just silly goofy Rachel.
All I know is that I had some time to write before I went to my other job and I needed to vent. In 10 hours, I don't know where my life will be going, but at the same time, God keeps placing in my heart that "Hes got this". All I can do is wait and pray and have faith that His will, will be done.
I know that with any relationship there will be trials. There will be problems, issues and moments where its not peachy, but I also know that my God is bigger and if He is center and its His plan, then everything will work out.
I don't think I'm going to post this anywhere, but if I do, its not going to be anywhere right away. This is really just me venting and expressing that any Christian, Godly based relationship still has its ups and downs, but I do want you to know that prayer and time with God is very important and He will give you the answers and peace with whatever choice He sees fit best for your life.
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