The other day, I was bugging him about divorce, I told him, I took the IRS money and all he had left was hand me $95.00 and $243.00 for the divorce. He asked me if they took credit cards.....I said, I don't know, you have to call them. I remember looking at the time and it was 4:50, I was like CRAP, hes not going to call, hes going to say their already closed. I called them, asked and they said, we take cash, check, money orders, or credit card, but no visa and it has a 3% charge on it. I texted him that, then he starts asking me the same thing I just told him. So then he says, he don't have any money other than Visa....I asked him to ask his parents. He wrote me and said he could get it elsewhere, he just had to wait till the next day, fine with me. I mean, at this point, I don't care if he has to go get plasma or sell his body. I know that might sound harsh, but why must my life be put on hold? He made this choice....he has made every choice for himself over the past year or so. He left me, he wants divorce, hes moving, all these choices and decisions, come with sacrifices, come with work, come with consequences. But I just feel like I have been the one doing alot of work on this divorce lately, and I don't think its fair. He wanted this. He made that choice, and yet he doesn't man up and do it. Then after I told him about the money situation with paying for the divorce, he then turns and asks me......"how do we file?" SERIOUSLY????????????? If you only knew my face at the moment when I read that text........I was floored!!!!! How in the hell after over a year, do you not know?????????? But I bet, you know how much its going to cost to move, or you know how much its going to cost to rent a house or all the jobs that are hiring down there. How do you not put divorce on the top list? How is your whore not wanting a divorce? I mean shoot, when I was living in sin, I didn't want my boyfriend being married. I knew that she had full power. I'm not stupid!!!!! I think, he thinks I'm stupid. Of course, when we were married, I played stupid alot, but now I'm not and I don't play that way. I think the roles have reversed. But from what I know....shes still married too. So I guess they enjoy living in sin.....fine with me, I'm not the one standing before the Lord and answering to that. I want to do the right thing....and that's being in a relationship as a single woman, with the man God has intended for me to be with. I know God hasn't intended for them to be together, it makes me laugh if they really think that. I know their relationship has alot of downs, probably more than ups, and it will continue that way. I don't care.....its not problem.....I'm just saying.
Like I said, this is me venting.....I know I probably sound negative and harsh and tomorrow or the next day, I might re-read this and regret it.....but this is how I have been feeling for a while now. I don't hate anyone....I really don't......I wish them nothing but the best, but let me not be a part of it. As long as he is my husband, I am a part in some way, shape or form. I know I did everything I could to save my marriage, even in the moments where I honestly didn't want to save it. God had put it in my heart to fight and I did, and I did everything I possibly could, and I know God and everyone around me saw it and knew. But its time!!!!! God has released me from fighting and I really just feel like He is the one has been pushing me to fight to get this done with. I know God is against divorce and I know where this part alot of Christians will disagree with, but I know my heart and I know that I am at peace and have been praying about it and this is where I feel led to push. I know Mark isn't going to do it, unless I stay on him.....this was my marriage. Even with the money situation, I honestly had no intentions on taking his half. Never even crossed my mind, until one day, it dawned on me......I'm never going to see this, and if I do, its going to be a pain. I prayed about it, for weeks and I didn't even deposit the money until a few days after I told him, because I was still praying about it. He hasn't shown me that he is going by his word. He didn't get the divorce without me saying anything. He didn't give me money in bulk, as a payment to his settlement. Yes, he helped me a couple of times and has given me $20.00 or so and even when my grandpa needed money for medicine he gave me some money. I'm thankful, don't me wrong. He also helped me when I had my appendix out, and went out and got us food and went to the store for us. I also deducted it from what he owed me. His kind heart at the time, was to help us and I am thankful. He has a kind heart, one of the things I fell in love with him for, but now I cant be nice, because its not working.
So I wait.....I wait 61 days as we go file tomorrow. I feel alot better as I have vented. Its a bitter-sweet feeling about my divorce. Bitter because its sad that we had to come to this and as we said our vows that it seemed like it meant nothing to him. Its sweet because I have let go and I need to move on fully without these chains on me. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel when the day comes and we are officially divorced, but I'm not going to worry about it. I'm living each day at a time!!! :)
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