So I'll start off with this guy that I met. Nice, God fearing man. I totally wasn't expecting him to walk into my life, but he did and I took it day by day. He knows my situation and prayed about it. I prayed about it too, but we knew we were going to keep it as friends, that's all we wanted anyways. But God during the week, revealed to me, that I shouldn't be even putting myself in temptations way. It sucks....trust me.....it sucks to know that I shouldn't get with anyone or kiss anyone or whatever it may be, because I am married. Here, Mark goes and can do whatever he wants, which is fine, cause he has to answer to God for it, but I feel stuck and trapped being a loyal wife in Gods eyes. I know I haven't been in the past, but I have asked for forgiveness with that. I want God to bless me and I know he will with me doing the right thing. I want to do the right thing, I want to please God, I just feel like I'm not married anymore. I'm not in love with Mark, I don't see him, I don't feel like I have a husband, and yet I need to act like a wife. Its so hard!!!!! But I know going through this, being loyal, God will teach me, show me, or I can be a witness to someone else and I will take that over my selfish desires. This guy is a great guy.....someone that I would be interested in if my circumstance wasn't this way. I know God isn't going to tell or okay anything with me and him because I am married. If we are talking 60 or so days from now, I guess we can see after I'm divorced. But in the meantime, I want him to go live his life and have fun. I wouldn't want anyone to wait on me or put their life on hold because I have too. He might read this and think I'm nutty, lol, that I'm thinking things he never thought of. But everyone who knows me, knows I jump to conclusions. I just have felt like God was showing me....yes, there are good Godly men out there.....yes, your not ready as long as your married.....yes, you need to remain faithful and act like a wife.....yes, there are men that can control themselves, lol......
The thing with this guy was, I never had someone look at me, like I'm married and they drew the lines before it even got there AND stuck with them. He told me, he prayed about it and he listened to God to do the right thing. I knew if I was around him, I knew it was safe. It was fun, exciting, innocent, no worries about me having to draw a line for him, because he already drew the line. I never felt that before. Sometimes, I didn't even know what to do, because he was being a good boy....lol. I know it might sound crazy, but I enjoyed him. We never talked about being together or in a relationship, because there really is no need as long as I'm tied down.....but I guess you never say never.....who knows.....
Maybe God put him in my life, to be a really good friend.....or maybe I have a friend who's supposed to marry him, lol, you just never know, but I'm not going to worry about it. Like he always told me....take it day by day!!!! I need to learn to do that more......I always jump way past and beyond and everything that I thought about and the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, never even happen in my life. I stress for no reason.
So then the next part is my divorce. Mark texted me about if I have gotten the IRS income tax return. I had gotten it, like 2 weeks before, lol, but I was just praying and asking God if me taking the money was what I should do. I had his money in cash, never put it in the bank, in case God told me otherwise. I never felt any different. I just felt in my heart, that I was never going to get my money or I was just always going to have to bug him about my money if I didn't take it. I didn't want to be the bad guy. I didn't want to be mean and have him think, I'm just being a B word and selfish and taking the money. I asked him if I could meet him somewhere so I could talk to him, of course he says hes busy all week. I just grew some balls and just told him, I took the money. I had this whole speech planned out, about how I'm not the bad guy, how I have been waiting for over a year for a divorce, a year for my settlement and how he always put me on the back burner. If he cant see that I didn't put his life through hell the past year or cause havoc then he really has lost his mind. I mean, he planned on quitting his job, which he did.....planned on moving, which he is.....his friends told me he got a house. So he, put all of these "priorities" first, AGAIN!!!! Why wouldn't divorcing your wife, whom you no longer love or want to be with first? Why wouldn't your girlfriend not want you to be divorced? Then I hear from a mutual friend of ours that she is about 4 months pregnant. You know the sad part is, when I heard that.....is I got pissed. I got mad at the fact that, IF ITS TRUE, hes bringing a child into this world, married to another woman. I never shed a tear over it. I just got heated. I refused to be put in that situation. But like I have said before, God has just really put on my heart....its over with, I no longer need to fight, I no longer want to fight, and I know he has someone so much better for me. Ive realized, Mark isn't a "bad guy", hes just wasn't made me for me. I need and want, someone who's going to stand up to me, who's going to tell me NO, who's going to lead me, who's going to love me, like Christ loves his church. I just want this all said, done and over with.
I even remember a few months ago, when I was starting to feel God touch me, to not fight anymore, I felt kinda scared, that when I did get my divorce papers and the day we go to court and they say, your no longer married, I got scared that maybe I was going to be sad or depressed, and then one of my friends said, "OR you could be relieved." I really feel now, shes right. I'm going to feel this weight, just lifted off of my shoulders. I feel like I have said my goodbyes to my marriage. I know I will always carry this around with me. The pain I felt, the hurt, the betrayal, and I pray all the time, that the next man that God puts in my life, I pray that I wont ever hold what Mark did to me, on him. I hope God just puts this peace and white slate in front of me on him. I never been hurt so bad in my life, but it has made me grow so much.
So mothers day is coming up. My job asked me if I would work 4 hours and I agreed. I don't work on Sundays and technically I'm supposed too once a month, so I cant really say no. When I said yes though, I didn't realize it was mothers day. But it'll be okay. I know I'm a mother to 3 beautiful babies in heaven and I hope all the mothers that have babies on this earth enjoy spending time with their blessings. I hope I can go to church and enjoy it. I know alot of people look at me and don't know I'm a mother, but I know the people close to me do!!! :) I hope one day I will know what its like to have babies on this earth and what it feels like to be called mom. :)
Another thing is, God has just blessed me so much with wonderful women in my life. The crazy thing is, is somehow, someway, I knew people who knew them and then these ladies are all together. So on top of knowing these people, I know their families or their friends and their just like me. Their funny, Godly, happy, sad, blessed, struggling, you name it, their human!!!! and we share our feelings and laugh together. These women have known all each other for years, and I just walk in, and its like Ive been there for ever. We all clicked. I don't know....I love it. In fact, these women have seen me, like on my "rough days". lol I feel blessed to have them in my life.
So I have been thinking about the man God has designed for me. I wonder what he looks like, how tall he is, how strong his walk is with the Lord, what his background is like. I wonder what its going to feel like when God puts us together with His love. I want to be with someone with no doubts....I want it the right way. I wonder what our kisses and hugs and our emotions are going to feel like. I never been with someone who was approved from God with no doubt. I want the whole true love story. I know life isn't perfect, but I want to be with the person God has designed for me. But I wait.....I wait to know what that feels like. I don't want to search for anyone, but I want God to just place us in each others lives. I know your probably thinking, why are you even worried or thinking about this right now? But I'm human....I get lonely....I long for a mans touch or to feel him wrap his arms around me and tells me he loves me. I know I was made to be a wife and a mother. I loved being a wife and I'm eager to know what it feels like to be a mother. I wait.....its okay for me to wait. In the meantime I'm growing stronger and closer to God. I pray that the man that God has for me, that he Loves God more than me and is willing to do his will. Sometimes I get discouraged, when I see all these men who don't walk with the Lord and I wonder if there are really any true Godly men out there......then God placed one in my life and showed me, there are!!! Makes me even more excited to see Godly men through single eyes.I'm happy though!!! I'm happy with who I am, who Ive become, where I came from, and my walk with the Lord has gotten so much stronger. I pray all the time that I wont stray from him again. I don't want any human or thing to come between me and God. It can be a struggle at times with your walk especially with just everyday life and struggles. But I'm reaching up to God and praying daily for his guidance. Its all I can do. I want his path in my life and I want his will to be done. I know he has great plans for me, and he blesses me everyday!!!!
I know this was long, but just a bunch of thoughts running through my mind that I'm glad I spilt them on my blog!!! :) Hope you enjoyed!!! hehe!!!
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