We filed for divorce

So yesterday, which already seems a week ago for some reason, went down to the court house and filed.  I don't really know what to say.  I know that this is what we need to do, but for some reason I think about our wedding day as we filed.  I remember going down there all excited and getting our marriage license.  I never saw then, this day 5 years later.  I thought we were stronger than this.  The past couple of days, I have been feeling torn.  A part of me, knows this is what needs to happen so I can move on and start the next chapter in my life and the other part I guess clings to the dreams I used to have.  That Mark was going to my one and only and we were going to grow old together and have babies together.  I don't think of that dream anymore, but  I guess the memory of it, still runs through my head.  You know, I think the hardest part of this, is God hates divorce.  I can see why God didn't design this for us, because it hurts our hearts.  I still feel like God has these amazing plans for me, but I know that I'm just going through the emotions.  It didn't help yesterday that Mark was nice to me.  We talked, we joked a little bit about his mustache and how it turns blond and red and I had always called it "mustardy".  We had to make copies and run from office to office.  At the end when we were booking our court date, I was curious and asked the lady how many couples in together to file, and she kinda giggled and said, not many.  I always thought if it was weird that we went and did it together.  I think I'm just weird in that I want to know and feel all the emotions and steps to every part of life.  I know I didn't do the filing, I know I didn't want this, but I felt it.  I felt and watched everything that we needed to do to not be husband and wife anymore.  I want this process to hurry up and be over with.  Not so that I can move on, even though a part of it is, but the waiting sucks.  I think that's why it already feels like a week to me.  I had to sit there and actually try and remember if it was yesterday that we went down there.

I actually don't like this 60 day wait.  I know we're not getting back together, so it feels like its being rubbed in my face.  I know it would be "easier" if I had someone in my life, because they would distract me from it and tell me they love me and we would be busy with everyday life.  But I'm pretty much feeling every emotion and everything that comes with this, by myself.  Mark has moving and getting things adjusted in San Antonio to worry about, I know he wont be thinking about it.  I hate how boys can just block out things, I wish I was like that.  I do want to go through the emotions, even though they stink, so I can hopefully feel it all and can help people in the future on this time in their lives.  I know God wants me to feel all of this and I know I need to do it with just me and Him.  I know God is here with me, holding me and hearing my hearts desires. 

I'm sure after a couple of days, I wont really think about it and just live my every day life until its time for our court date.  I need to start living in the "now" moments and stop wondering what my life is going to be like after we are officially divorced.  I feel like my life wont start living until then, but really, I need to embrace this time of my life and still live like it was my last day!!!

I'm proud of Mark and I and how mature we have handled things so far.  I'm glad we could go down there together and file.  I'm glad that we can still talk without being cruel or hateful to each other.  Who knows if we will remain friends or if we leave after our court date and never see or hear each other again.  I know I'm not going to stress and worry about it.  Hes already changed his life, moving, still with his girlfriend and I know she don't want me in his life.  Why would she?  Mark and I have no ties to each other, so theres no excuse on us needing to talk.  I know Mark will do anything to make her happy, cause that's what he did for me, and I'm not going to cause unnecessary drama in their lives.  I want Mark to go on and be happy and live his life to the fullest.  I know he will be much happier in San Antonio around his family and everyone he grew up with. 

Who knows where my life will take me.  I'm honestly a little excited and scared.  I know I have no need to be scared, because I know God will bless me as long as I am walking with Him.  I do wonder alot about my future husband and what he will be like and look like and how we will act around each other.  I hope we have the same sense of humor and can be kids around each other.  I know I'm an adult, but when I'm around a guy and we can play, laugh, and be goofy, that's when I enjoy life the most. 


I read my devotion before I went to the court house and I couldn't believe what it said.  I swear its crazy how God knows exactly what I need to hear, even though it something that was written in the past and its on the same, exact day we are filing.  I don't think its a coincidence.  I just think its one of many of Gods wonderful things he places in our lives to show us he loves us and cares for us.  Everything with Him falls in place! :)