My daily vent

 My song for the moment

I think its crazy how you can have a date that meant so much to you and now it really has no meaning...only a memory of once was.  What I'm talking about is the day Mark and I started dating.  It was a date that even after we got married, I still wanted to celebrate.  This year would of been 12 years of us being together.  I know its not like that now and things have changed and I'm sure each reader reading this is probably thinking, why hasn't she moved on from this yet?  The truth of the matter is, I have moved on, I have accepted it, but I think its just a human nature thing to be reminded of a day especially when you've looked for too and carried it with you for almost half your life.  I really never think of us or what we could of been like now, I'm not sure why, I do find that odd.  I guess because I have no idea and it wasn't supposed to be that way. 

Ive been kinda down today and it has to do with that and not feeling well, very emotional and dealing with another ex, but it was my fault.  Through it all today, all I think about is today 12 years ago and how my life has been.  I think about what my life will be like 12 years from now and who might be in it.  I know I will have a new anniversary date and another wedding date, but it sucks to know I have this one always.  I know nothing can change it, but you just move on.  I see the ripple effect of what a divorce does and why its not in Gods plans.  I don't know what Mark thinks, I don't know if he struggles with anything that had to do with the divorce, but I want to think that he thinks about it ever once in awhile.  I know people move on and go on with their lives, as I have, but it does cross my mind.  I see people who are divorced who fought for their marriage who struggle and I see some who have happily moved on.  I know everyones path is different and everyone has their own time tables.  I know some people settle of fear of being alone and some wait patiently on God to deliver their soul mate.  I think I'm partially in the middle.....at the end of the day I will wait, but sometimes I go and seek and I know its not going to happen like that for me.  I really think mine is going to be a fluke kind of thing.  Either I'm going to bump into him or hes going to help out fixing a tire or something and I think we will just hit it off.  I could be totally wrong, but something inside me thinks that's how its going to happen. 

I have my moments of feeling lonely and I have my moments of still getting my stuff together as a single person.  I think sometimes it just sucks cause I know I'm not ready to be in a relationship.  Ive been having a lot of mixed feelings with myself lately.  I know my problem, I know what I need to do and yet, I'm not sure why I don't go and do it.  A part of me, just wants to be rebellious in a way, but I know it wont get me to where I need to be.

I think the more I surround myself with people trying to fill a void, the more I hurt myself, not really hurt myself, but not going to move forward.

I vented....like I normally do....its bedtime for me.