Been thinking

I haven't wrote in awhile. I really have been thinking about my life. We are about to approach another year and yet I did get pregnant this year, I once again lost my baby. I don't want to do this all over again another year, without some answers or a healthy pregnancy and baby. I just knew 2010 was going to be my year, though it hasn't been the best, it wasn't all bad either. I cant complain, because I know God has blessed my family and even though I don't understand why I turned 25, going on 4 years of marriage and still have no babies.....I do feel blessed.

Ive been seeing the celebrities and everything that has been going on with them lately.

Jessica Simpson gets engaged.
Nick Lacey gets engaged.
Tony and Eva Parker get divorced.
Pink is pregnant.
Josh and Anna Dugger are pregnant with their second.

I look at Josh and Anna, and they got pregnant, had a baby girl and is pregnant again, all while I'm still trying for a first healthy baby. I guess I got bitter last night when I found out. I don't understand why its taking us so long. I don't understand why I cant get pregnant and have a healthy baby. I don't understand why its so much easier for some, than others. And, I don't understand how some drug addicts who don't even want a baby, can have them and give them up. And yet, we are trying and will love that baby no matter what. I know in life, we don't understand why things happen or why things don't happen. But I'm ready....I'm more than ready. I really think about going to my Dr's in December and see what we can and need to do. I know last time, my Dr wanted us to do genetic testing, but I'm so scared. I know I want to know an answer now then be disappointed over and over again. I guess we will do that. I really don't know how I feel about being put back on clomid. I mean, at 100mg we did get pregnant. Even though I do think that's what caused us to have an ectopic.

My mind hasn't been on ttc very much. We have been sooo busy since October and I haven't got to focus on any of it. Right now I'm in my 2ww, but I just don't think its our month. I don't know anything anymore. Mark and I have been grouchy alot at each other....its mostly him. I know we all get this way, and since the weather has been changing and us getting sick, I can understand it.

I want to lose some weight and everytime I tell myself I'm going to go to the Y, I'm tired from work and don't go. I hate it....I can literally feel myself get fatter and fatter. I want to feel better. I want to be healthy. GRRRRR.....why cant life be easy sometimes and not so confusing and disappointing?????