Things on my mind

So what I have learned over the past year is I now look at people differently.  I trusted people when I met them and now I automatically doubt what people say and question their truth, thanks to Mark.  I think when people lie and cheat, they don't realize what it really does to ones physci.  I hate the fact that someone can rip that away from you, when they ripped away everything else too.  I now have this natural tendency to observe, question, and read people when they speak to me.  I'm going to pray about it, because lies are from the enemy and I don't want to have to doubt what people are saying to me.  Its not fair that they have be "punished" for what Mark did to me.  I don't want someone to have to earn their trust to me, because of what he did.

Also another thing is I'm very insecure with myself.  I'm finding myself going through phases of trying to better myself.  Maybe teeth whitening? Maybe losing weight? Maybe anti aging cream? Maybe color of hair or cut? Maybe darker skin (hence the picture)? Maybe different clothes?  Maybe different makeup? Maybe different style shoes?  Should I show more cleavage?  Tighter clothes? 
Ive been trying everything to find me and what is comfortable for me and me having the most confidence without looking cheap and easy.  Ive been very blessed to come across good men who respect me and want to have a long friendship and possibly see if it goes any further down the road.  I haven't had any douche try and just get with me.  Men who actually want to wait till my divorce is finalized and do it the right way.  Though I'm straight forward and say that even when the day comes, I still might not be ready and they respect that.  As I'm getting older, its awesome how men don't play games and arnt in a hurry for anything.  I guess Ive always been in a hurry and just think that maybe they should or would be too, but no.  Just simple people, living and enjoying life like me. 

Ive grown up alot also this past year.  My mentality has changed and what I want and what I don't want.  I'm not bitter, Ive forgiven and let go.  I do get scared and worried about it happening again.  Ive never had my heart broken before and I remember thinking when it happened, that cancer was easier to go through. In fact, the cancer was easier and less draining and painful.  That's sad, if you really think about it.  That someone who you loved and trusted so much, who was actually there when you went through the cancer, could hurt you so much.  I remember thinking and asking God, why didn't He just take me when I had the cancer so I wouldn't have to go through that pain and the pain of losing my babies.  I remember thinking if I go slow enough in front of this vehicle, it will side swipe me and kill me.  I wanted my life to end, when I was so blessed to have beat cancer.  I knew in my heart I was supposed to be still on this earth, but at that point in my life, I didn't see a reason.  I didn't understand how I was going to start over and now I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I have learned so much and I know that I can help others.  In fact, I have been told by other women who's husbands have done this to them, have told me, if it wasn't for me, they don't know where they would be right now.  That alone is what I want to be here for, if that is my job on this earth. :) 

I know alot of times I must repeat myself or say the same thing in a different way, but I just know God has this plan for me.  Its exciting!!!! To know that everything I have faced and endured will someday be worth it and be used to glorify him.  I can just see the wonderful things God does and I know all the pieces will fall in place.  I know one day I will be able to look back and be like, "now I see your plan God, thank you for taking me through that, so I can be here today."  Getting there, waiting and being patient is something God has been teaching me lately.  I have to accept that I what I want, might not be what God wants.  I have to trust in his plan!!!! :)