With the name change, I had a very big decrease in my blog views, and with me changing my blog just one day it tripled the amount. I guess I will stick with my old name for awhile. I guess I had changed it all of a sudden without a warning and I know even with my bookmarks and saved blog address, it said it was deleted or had been moved. I wished it would of tell what the new one is, but it doesn't, so all my followers and viewers, I guess this will stay for the time being.
So for me.....I have to admit that I have been going through some form of emotions lately, as you all probably could tell from recent posts. I cant even explain or put a word to it, but I have been feeling so much better. When I say I have been going through the emotions, I can be happy one second and then a little down. Nothing full blown or even a wide variety of emotions, but just memories with trigger something.
One thing if I could change about me, would be my mind racing all the time. My mind doesn't stop and in a way it can be beneficial, but for the majority of the time, its a pain and a distraction. For as long as I can remember it has been this way, even as a child. I know for anyone around me or even talks to me alot, can get tired of my conversations, because of what is in my head. I knew I needed to step away from this world and just focus on God and myself, and get back with my faith that everything happens for a reason.
I know I am human, I know I have my flaws and my weaknesses, and I know I make mistakes and even have a little bit of regrets. I on the other hand, don't like to use that as an excuse, because I do know better and I need to correct myself and not do it again.
In a way, I feel like my life has been changed over the past few days. I think its something that I needed to happen so I can look into the future and not the past so much or at something that would never be. I hate to see other people make moving forward past something they have went through, seem so easy. Maybe its a front, maybe they struggle deep down, maybe they set it to the side, or maybe they really just let go and have moved forward with life.
Even when I was married, even though I didn't think about it all the time, I had a few people tell me that they think my issues come from losing my mother. I didn't believe it, because I never thought about it. But there were times when I was very bitter and maybe it had to do with that. I know sometimes I wish I could just talk to my mom or have her tell me everything is going to be okay. I wish I could have nights of us just talking about life or about God. I wish my mom could tell me shes proud of me, or that I'm better than the way I have been acting. I think alot of people take their parents telling them what to do, or even advice given to them for granted.
I pretty much have been on my own since I was 16. When I say on my own, I meant, not really any guidance of someone telling me what to do. I didn't have to support myself or anything like that, but I meant, my choices and actions were on my own. Looking back and I can honestly say that I'm proud of myself for the most part of the actions that I did do or didn't do. I didn't drink and go to parties. I didn't go do drugs or even try drugs. I didn't go have sex or sleep with different men, or even get pregnant at a young age. I had every possibility as the next teenager did, but I wanted better for myself. In a way, I feel like now a days, is my teenage rebellion coming out. The sad part is, is I know I don't want to do certain things and I know its not going to make me happy.
These are things that I need to step back from and tell myself that God has better plans for me and that I'm better than that. Like I said before, I know I'm human, I know I fall short of the glory of God and I know that this whole life is a big lesson, but I don't want that to be a reason why I can fall.
I'm not saying trusting God is hard, because when I do, I have this sense of peace come within me. My problem is my impatience, sometimes what I want and when I want it, compared to Gods timing, makes me try to search for it myself and I know THAT is my problem. I get in these "episodes" to where I try to seek and find what I feel like is missing and its always in the wrong area. I know alot of people do this and its easier to see someone doing it from the outside looking in, then when you are doing it. I just know I refuse to settle with someone that God doesn't want me to be with or choose a life that's not from God. Just in a simple job, I want the job God has for me, because I know He would have a purpose for me there.
So here's me venting and I'm sure its the same ole stuff I normally say, but this blog is for my venting and just my life!!! :)
On a positive note, I am looking forward to some things that is coming up this summer. I am going on a book retreat to hopefully start my own book and learn how and also resources to get it published. I know if God has put this on my heart, He will provide the necessary steps and the direction for it to be made. I also have some plans to go with some friends to go on a trip to the Dallas area and then also, if I'm blessed enough, a road trip all over Texas with a friend. I don't know....all of these things could happen or none, so I guess we will see. On the side note, God knows what the future holds and He has his own plans in store for me!!! :)
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