Something crazy seemed to happen this past week. I had come to realize that I was at a peaceful place in my life. I had felt good and was happy with where my relationship with the Lord was. I have realized that I have always seemed to have an eager and willing heart to do Gods will. I have always wanted to please God and to do whats right. Don't get me wrong.....I have lived in sin and wasn't a good wife like I knew I was supposed to be and I have failed God plenty of times. I pray everyday for God to use me in this life, so people can see Him in me and I tell God that I want His will done in my life. I sit and wait. I think that's been really hard on me the past couple of weeks. I feel like I'm wasting time, but then I instantly realize that God has me here at this pace for a reason. I want to already be in my book, writing it, putting it all together. I want the words to come flowing out of me, onto the computer and doors to be open on how to publish it. I want to write, but my heart hasn't told me too start yet. I know God has a reason and he has a time, but I'm struggling with waiting. I also sat down and was going to apply for some jobs. I found a couple I wouldn't mind doing and started to apply. In the middle of it, I just got this feeling that I shouldn't, and I clicked out of it. The desire to apply instantly went away. I don't understand. I am willing to work and provide for my grandpa and I and to pay bills and to not struggle. But God has ALWAYS came through and provided, even when I didn't understand or knew how it was going to happen. I don't know if God wants me to keep leaning on Him and to have faith, or He is waiting on something at a certain time, or it could be both or neither.
*Just a little something and how great God is.....is that bills are tight this month and plus I'm saving up, or should I say, I'm trying to save up for my birthday trip. Well, I realized that I needed some extra money for bills and I was stressing a little bit about it. I had to give it to God and tell him I don't know, but I trust you. I wasn't going to spend foolishly, but just stay home, cook meals and not do anything extra. That night I get a text from a co worker, whom I haven't talked to in awhile cause she has another job and she was checking on me and asking if I worked the next day. I told her no, but she said, she really didn't want to work, cause it was her only day off. I told her, if she didn't want the hours I would take them. She ended up giving them to me, and I ended up working a 10 hour day. That's 10 extra hours that I didn't even know I could of had, but God worked his awesomeness and blessed me and her. She didn't need them, and she wanted a day off and I needed them and wanted to work. God just always amazes me. FAITH is what it is.*
So the crazy thing that I was talking about previous, before I get side tracked all the time is, I was at peace. I remember sitting in my room thinking.....I have no drama.....I'm at peace.....I have no heartache....I'm healthy.....I'm financially okay.....my grandpas doing good.....I'm like,"Okay, I feel blessed, the storm is at ease!!!" THEN.......the devil comes around the next few days and wants to ruin it for me, like always. Something that I have struggled with in the past, but haven't in about 2 years is, my health. Since I have had cancer, that pretty much turned me into a hypochondriac. I used to go to the Dr's once a week, and I'm not exaggerating. The Dr's knew me, they knew me by name.....it was just one of those things, that they knew I was crazy. I would literally go to the Dr and be at peace. I felt the most comfortable at the Dr's appointments....I knew then and there if I had a question or needed an exam, they were my go-to-men. Then sometimes, I would cry my eyes out worried to death that I pretty much had a few hours left to live. lol Its pretty miserable!!!! So, I realized the other day, its time for my yearly kidney exam where they make sure nothing has returned and all my organs look good. My Dr had told me that I need to get one done every year for the first 5 years and then after that every other year. Well I have had 6 straight and now I don't have insurance. I thought about skipping this year, and then 2 days later, my back starts hurting. I honestly, tried not to freak out. I am like coaching myself, "Rachel, you have felt fine the past year, no back pain, no problems, you probably slept wrong or stood or sat down in a position too long." I swear you not, then the kidney area started hurting......WHAT????? Surely not.....I'm then annoyed because I can feel it all coming back. I don't think, y'all who are reading this, realize how miserable these thoughts make my life. One of my Dr's ended up putting me on Zoloft because of this. I'm not as bad as I have been. I have started the whole googling thing, which I know I shouldn't.
Another thing is, I have been having female problems since my Ectopic pregnancy back in 2010 and I ultimately will need surgery I'm guessing. It actually scared the Dr who did my appendix back in December. He didn't really worry about my appendix and the aftermath but told me I need to get to a Dr. and I never did.....I was going through a really hard time and honestly didn't care a bit about that. I am 90% sure right now I'm fine and I'm praying about what I should do. I do need to go to a OB/GYN soon to get on birth control for other reasons.
So just another reason why the Devil is a pain in the butt. I was doing good, happy with my life and then he likes to throw things back in my face. I know worry and fear isn't from the Lord and I just have to lift it all up to Him.
So then a few times recently, I sit here thinking....cause that's what I'm excellent at, though it always gets me in trouble.....and I struggle. I can feel myself living in the past memories. The songs, the pictures, the memories,the fun times, the good times, the bad times. I'm talking about going wayyyy back and then all the way up to last week. I know why I contemplate on the past....its because it brings me to where I'm at right now. All the steps, all the emotions, all the pain, and the happiness and how it made me who I am today. I don't know if I'm fully satisfied with who I am. I know physically I'm not, mentally I'm wiser, emotionally I'm stronger, but I can still see my flaws. I see my weaknesses, my insecurities, and I hate looking and thinking of something about me, knowing it would be hard to change. I know we arnt perfect and we all struggle with something or even multiple things, but I want to be the best I can be. As far as I can remember, I always wanted what was best for me and what would make me happy. I know that sounds selfish, but I really want that for everyone that I love, I even want it for the people who have hurt me or wronged me. One thing that does eat me up is watching someone you love and care about choose wrong and choose to live in less than what they are worth or deserve. I know we all make our chooses and live with the consequences, but just this past year, I had to learn to accept their choices and let them live their lives. I mean, who am I really to judge or say whats best for someone? I had to learn mine all on my own even though I had people basically yelling at me, "What are you doing?" I knew better, my choices, my life, my consequences, my trials and my testimony.
So I said that I'm waiting....in which I feel that I am. I'm okay here, its peaceful, its safe, but God keeps reminding me that He has Big plans for my life. I do wonder when everything starts falling into place, if then I will want to be back to my "safe place" that I'm in. I have a friend who has waited for over a year for God to show her. She has lived life, she has grown to a Godly woman and yet, I know she still had her moments like we all do. She prayed, she listened to God and she questioned with where her life was going. Then God did so much in such a little time in her life and she has moved, new job, new beginnings and is fully happy. God just opened one door after another for her and she told me, all she had to do was have faith and walk through the door. I love watching her and what God did and does for her and it gives me even more hope that I will soon see God putting my pieces together. One thing I love more than anything, is God knows my heart. He knows my cries, my desires, my hopes, my dreams, my fears and even each and everything I would want my future husband to look like and act like. I don't have to tell Him, even though I do, He just knows!!!
I don't know how people go through life, not leaning on God. I don't understand how people think they can do things on their own or they know whats best for themselves. I get like that sometimes and then when I start questioning myself or realizing that I'm not happy, I have to step back and give it to God. Its our human nature to watch out for ourselves and to "think" we know whats best for ourselves and the people we love....then God laughs......lol. I pretty much KNOW that I don't know whats best for me. I cant see the future, I cant predict whats going to happen or who I'm going to end up with. One person might seem perfect to me and then God steps in and hands me someone I would of never looked second at, might be the man of my dreams, I mean I have no idea. But do you want to know something? Handing that over to God and letting him work his miracles in your life is like the best of both worlds. Not only do you not really have to do anything, but just have trust and faith, He will take care of it and give you the best when He KNOWS your fully ready!!!!! I know, I know.....you might think your ready now for something or someone. A new job, a new house, new car, new spouse or relationship, but you have doubt or not quite sure......or not quite sure how its all going to happen. Something I live with is this.....Doubt is not from God. Peace is from God. Gods not going to give you doubt, I think when you have doubt, is when its not from God or its the devil trying to confuse us and you should ask God or give it to Him. For instance, I'm not 100% if I should go on Birth Control, it keeps coming to my mind, but I still struggle with it, so right now I'm praying and even asked my friend to pray for me an answer. You might be thinking, what in the world? Birth control? Why would you pray over something like that or why is it a big deal? Well then I sit over here and wonder why am I doubting? I pray.........if I have peace, then I will, if not.....then I guess I wont. Though we might not understand why God does or doesn't allow something in our lives, we should just trust and have faith that its for our good.
I know I pretty much vented and preached tonight. Its what I get for staying up late and having a million thoughts go through my head. I still struggle with my life and don't quite understand what is going to happen and why it did. I can only have faith that one day I will look back and see Gods work in my life.
The craziest thing......So I was listening to my playlist while I typed this and I came upon Nick Lachey song, and so I'm just now getting it to put on here and was reading the lyrics on youtube and it says, "I just want to be the best man I can be!!"........I just said that, minus the man part!!!! That is nuts!!!! Perfect song for this post!!
Resolution Song!!!!!!
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