So the other day, I was listening to her music and her ex husbands Nick Lachey and it just hit me hard.....Look at their lives now!!! Jessica waited to make love for the first time on her wedding night like I did. I thought of all the boyfriends she had after their divorce and you know she was "with" them. Now she has a baby out of wedlock. I'm not sitting here judging, I'm not. I think it just makes me look at my life. I waited till I was married, I thought I was going to be with the same man forever and now I'm divorced and committed adultery after Mark committed adultery. I'm not blaming Mark for my actions, but I know I would of never of done anything like that if he wouldn't of left. I always tell people, during that time, was when I went crazy. Even now sitting here thinking of that time, my mentality was so screwed up, my actions didn't really mean anything to me. I felt empty, I felt abandoned, I felt not good enough, so I just looked and strived to get everything that was missing back with all the wrong people.
Its sad to see marriages fail. Its sad how people give up or want something else on someone they said a vow too. Why is marriage disposable? I'm not trying to sound mean or harsh when I say this, but I sometimes feel like I want people who do just throw away marriages over petty or selfish reasons or think they "fell out of love" (with their choosing) to feel the abandonment they do, to the people who do fight for their marriage. I have came across actually a handful or two people who were the ones who fought and tried to save their marriage and we all have the same thing and same mind concept. It honestly crushes a persons heart and soul. I don't know what the other spouses who chose to leave think.....I see selfishness and Satan to be honest. This is not what God intended. Whoever thinks that people grow apart or they didn't marry their "soulmate", or they were too young to get married or they just don't love them anymore is all believing the devils lies and guess what??? Hes laughing at you and hes laughing at the person you hurt. Its exactly how I see it!!!! Those are all choices YOU make. You choose to fall in love, you choose to fall out of love, you choose to grow apart. Marriage is HARD work. Its 2 people coming together and trying to do everything they can to live the same way and still be happy. Everyday life can wear and tear on you, but that's when your love brings you back together even stronger with Gods help.
I was thinking about if I ever get married again. I was thinking would I trust him 100% like I did before, or would I question everything all the time. I think when you been burned like me and some of my friends, you always will have that in the back of your mind. In a weird way, I wanted to marry someone who kinda went through the same thing as me, so we would know what pain and hurt felt like so we wouldn't do that to the other person. I cant sit here though and do that. I have felt in the past that God has someone for me and I cant make him into who I want him to be. God knows whats best for me.
Ive been having some really bad moments this week of starting over. I absolutely hate it. I photographed my friends today whom got married the same year as me. I was starting to think as I was editing their pictures that Mark and I was married 5 years this year and then we got divorced. Its sad to think we dated longer than we were married. Its sad to throw all that time away.
I'm okay with where I'm at with starting over......I just have been thinking alot about a family lately, that's where I'm struggling with starting over. I still need to get married and then try and start having kids. My birthday is coming up and I'm about to be 27. I always wanted to have kids before 30, and it still could happen, but I just feel like I was so close to having a family and then it was wiped away. I want to sit here and think that HOPEFULLY God WOULD NT let me get a taste of my hearts desire with hearing and seeing my precious babies and then to NEVER have any babies on this earth. But I also have seen people get that close and never have any. I don't want to worry over stuff like this, "the woulda, coulda, shoulda's".
Ive been really praying for guidance and for me to not worry about my past or the people in it and look for the future. I just feel...............................stuck. I have my bad times and my good times with looking forward to the future, but this past week was a bad week. I know God is teaching me patience, I know he is just waiting and wanting me to just accept with where my life is and lift all my worries up to Him and to just trust Him. I'm not trying to push things along, because I really want what He wants in my life. He has me here, waiting for a reason. In the meantime, he is taking care of me and providing for me.
But if you read this and you believe in God, I ask for some prayers.....it got really bad this week, probably the worse since earlier this year. I would appreciate it.......
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