I'm happy I'm content

I sit here wanting to write, with really nothing to say.  I think this screen has been up for about 5 minutes as I think, look at my fingernails and occasionally look up at the TV for the last night of Big Brother Showtime.  I'm really going to miss this show.  It has kept me occupied every night from 11-2am while I try and go to sleep.  I have watched every season since it came out about 12, 13 years ago.  This is BB14, but they had 2 one year.

I'm excited to write about my pills and to do my weekly face update from the pills tomorrow.  I don't want to say too much tonight, but I like it so far.

Work has been really good to me lately too.  Some of the workers at work really would like me to move up to manager, but Ive been praying about it.  I really do enjoy my job, and I have been there longer than any worker there, but I also have seen so many people love their job, move up and then hate their job and eventually quit.  So far, I still enjoy going into work.  I rarely ever just dread going into work or not look forward into going.  I try and take any extra hours or any person shift that cant work.  I need the money and I would love to eventually have a regular 40 hour job, but God has also placed my photography back in my heart alot lately too.  I am actually surprised how eager and willing I am to learn and study in photography again and to build my business and clientele back up.  I know myself though and I always get insecure or don't have confidence in what I do.  I always want to strive for perfection and be the best I can be, but then when I get insecure, sometimes I just set the camera down and walk away until I can re-build myself back up.  Another thing I notice about myself even at my job is I doubt myself alot.  I remember being this way back when I was in school when I had to take tests.  I would psyche myself out and end up forgetting everything.  Today the big bosses at work came in and asked me questions I SHOULD KNOW, and I was like....."ummmm".......I knew the answers, my boss knew I knew the answers, but I couldn't say it, I CAN DO IT!!!!  So at one point one of the ladies asked me a question, 4 hours later asked me the same question and I was again like "ummm"......and you know what happened?  My boss demonstrated to me what the question was and I did it!!!! She pretended she was a customer and I passed, on what I should do, but when it came down to explaining what I would do, I cant!!! Its just the craziest thing!!!

I noticed though, I'm like that with alot.  I cant tell you how or why I do things, I just do them and it works out.  I remember when I worked at the school, I was the worse at just doing stuff for the kids instead of teaching them how.  I know I'm a visual learner.  Alot of times, I can see something and re-make it without instructions.  I think that's why photography fascinated me alot.  I remember sitting there and looking at different photographers and wanting to do what they did....it fascinated me, it intrigued me.  I had to study to learn on how certain things were done, but it was going out and actually trying myself that motivated me to learn.

I remember the other day one of the managers told me.....I want you to move this here, move that there and bring this over here.  I stood there, looking at her like.....???????  In my head, I'm thinking, let me do my thing....let me work my magic.  I know alot of times, I do play the ditsy, blonde, Jessica Simpson role, it honestly cracks me up.  I mean honestly, sometimes I am, but in reality, you get away with stuff.  People either look at you like your dumb and you end up surprising them with something else that they were shocked you would know, or people role their eyes and be like, "Oh goodness Rachel", or (and this is the best one), People just do stuff for you because they think you don't know how.  Now........I told my secrets.....don't get me wrong.....because I have been alot better with that last one.  I used to use it on Mark all the time honestly, but I think he knew what I was up too.  I have a problem with learning stuff that I never think I'm going to use.  Its kinda like history to me.  History doesn't fascinate me, because I feel like it can do nothing for my future use.....yes I know.....you learn from other peoples mistakes and what not, but it doesn't tickle my fancy, so I would totally suck at Jeopardy, in which I do!!!

God makes us all different.  Since Mark leaving I have learned alot with that.  I was really in my bubble and if you wernt in my bubble and lived the way I did, then you were wrong and I didn't understand why you did things the way you did and you should be stronger to do things right and blah blah blah.  I  love how my eyes have been opened to other peoples short comings, trials, mistakes, addictions, flaws, weaknesses and opinions.  I still catch myself feeling the same way I used too, but I really have been more open to just letting people live their life even if I agree or don't.  I know now I cant control anyone and I cant make someone do something or not do something that I disagree with.  I can only offer my insight or opinion or biblical knowledge, but in the end, its up to them.  That really was a HUGE obstacle that I had to learn and accept.

Another thing is, I'm so happy with where I am in life right now.  I'm CONTENT!!  I'm happy that I'm content should I say.  Of course, Ive said before I would want to be married again with a family and I know that would fill my heart with more love and joy, but for the moment, God has me right where he wants me and I'm content.  He has given me peace and has taken care of me financially and has filled my heart with His love and I catch myself often daily, just smiling and shedding a tear and thanking Him for everything he has done for me and blessed me with.  I know this part of my life isn't going to last forever and EVERY SINGLE TIME, I think of my future husband, I get this rush of peace, like hes waiting on me, in a distance.  I remember today, I was sitting in my car at a light and just thought of "him" and I was at peace.  I have no desire to date, to "cuddle", to meet random men, to text or call men, its just the craziest thing.  I know before, I found comfort or a need of affection or to feel wanted or to feel pretty, but its like, and I know this might sound mean, but now I feel like their opinions don't matter to me.  The one it really matters is God, my friends and who my future husband is going to be.  Now when I get complimented on a picture or in real life, of course it feels good and is flattering, but I don't seek it, I don't put myself out there to get a compliment.  I think before I got really insecure when he left and I just wanted to still feel desired since I obviously got rejected.  I don't know, never been through that before, but my confidence is getting built up and I don't have to be any certain person for anyone.  I know who God has for me will love me for me and will see my love for God and I know that will attract him.  :)   Its such a wonderful feeling to know that and not have to worry about a future spouse, that God already has it under control.  When he knows I'm ready and the other person is ready....it will happen!!!

So, I ended up not having anything to say, to of course finding something, lots of things.  This was an easy post, it was a good heart to heart to my readers and now you know a little more about me and also know where I am today with where life is and my views on it.


I hope everyone has a good week and a good day tomorrow.....its hump day!!!! Its my 1st weekly look on my new pills!! :)   See ya tomorrow.

P.S.  You love my new signature?????  :)