thoughts for the night

I really don't like AF.  I hate how my emotions get all stirred up and I feel things that I KNOW is just all hormonal.  I have actually talked to myself this time around and some emotions that came up, I actually had to say, "Rachel, their not real". 

I have been super happy with my life.  I have accepted alot of things and have looked forward to what the Lord has for me in my future and all in one day, emotions can come piling on me and I don't even know where they came from.  I question why I even feel the way I do with these feelings, but again, I know its all hormonal.  Give me about 24 hours and my life will be dandy again, but until then, I am blogging, listening to THIS while a few tears go down my face.  I swear, being a girl can totally suck, darn Eve!!!

The bad part about me is that when I get pissed or get in a bad mood, I take it out on whoever is in my target!!!  It could be my old grandpa, a coworker or my dog....I mean, it really doesn't matter.  I wish people didn't take it so personal.  I have came across the people who take it personal and the people who just back up and don't talk to me, which is what I want.  I don't want you to come try and cheer me up or nag me to death, because I will come out when Ive calmed down and cooled off.  One thing about me is I really don't stay mad long.  I am very forgiving and I accept things, more now than I have before.  I know in this life I cant control hardly anything and I cant control the way life takes its different roads, so accepting it and making the most out of the situation is the best I can do.  It might take me awhile to adjust, but I eventually look at the positive in it.

I know now probably writing, I might be confusing you.  I think its just one of those blogs where I just want to write and vent and get some things off my mind.

I have seen a few of my friends who struggled with finding a mate, is finally in love and happy and I am excited for them!!!!   I love seeing people happy and in love!!!  Of course I have my friends where they are single and hoping for that soulmate one day, which I'm with that group, and I know we have our lonely times and our craving for a mate, but I know its all in the natural human desire. 

The thing with me is, I don't desire a mate,  I desire my future husband.  You might be thinking, that's the same thing Rachel.....but it doesn't feel that way with me.  There is ONE man that I KNOW God has for me and I love him so much already.  Sometimes my heart cries out for him and I pray to God that he is praying for me and waiting on me.  In fact, when I even hang out with a guy, I think of what it would actually feel like to be with my future husband and that love, peace, and truth feeling that this man is the man God has for me.  I always think of what its going to be like when we meet for the first time, the feelings we are going to have, the laughs, the flirtatious acts, the love of God surrounding us.

In my head, I think its going to be a perfect relationship, but I know that's not reality.  I hope we get along great and we always pray together and never go to bed mad at each other.  I hope he has eyes for me and thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.  Alot of people think that men cant really think that way, but I felt that way when I was married towards my husband, a man is human and I think he can think that way too.  I want the kind of love and relationship my grandpa and grandma had.  I didn't really get to see it, but everyone says they were soulmates.  Theres an old picture of them together, sitting on the couch and it was after my grandma had a stroke and they were sitting there holding hands with their fingers locked.  My grandpas face was happy and you could tell that's where he wanted to be.  My grandpa always talks highly of my grandma and that she was a wonderful woman.  I would love to have my future husband talk about me that way when I leave this world or even with us together. 

When writing in my blog, I always somehow get sidetracked and go do other things (must be my ADD) and this is what I just wrote, something that I needed to hear.

faith will show you the way

When the future seems bleak and you do not know how to go on, have faith. It will shine a light in the darkness and everything will be illuminated.

I love how God shows you or puts something in front of you that reminds you of Him and his plans.  God has been really good to me in my life!