Mark gets there and we go over and fill out our divorce decree. We head to the room the lady showed me and this guy came out of no where and was asking questions if this was the place and what not. I was telling him what the lady said and Mark went in and sat down. Then he went in and say next to my husband. I asked him, if he could scoot over so I could sit next to Mark. I just thought the whole picture of Mark, this guy, and me sitting on the back bench would of been awkward. He didn't mind, he moved to a bench in front of us. I'm sitting there watching all these people get done with their divorce and all the steps they have to do. I seen 2 couples and they didn't cry, but had smiles on their face. One of them said, "we good?" and high fived each other. Thought that was crazy, but hey, I mean I guess whatever floats their boat. In the meantime, while I'm hearing you swear in to God about telling the truth and the people who filed say they don't see any reconciliation or their was marriage differences, I started to cry. My friend told me to be me, if I wanted to cry, to cry, and I did. I fought back for as long as I could, but basically I was bawling at one point. The court rooms have to be so quiet and you hear me crying, but I honestly, didn't care. This is not a happy moment. Every dream, every promise, every future together is about to end. I can honestly see and feel why God did not create and want divorce. It feels like I lost my right arm. Its a part of me that I will never have again. In the meantime, Mark is consoling me and telling me its okay. I appreciated it, I think it would of sucked more if he just sat there. I'm also pretty sure, he was waiting on the moment of me breaking down, cause I cry easily.
They call us up there and we sit next to each other. We raise our right hand and swear in that we are telling the truth and that everything on the papers is correct. Mark does much of the talking, but it was still sad to hear him say that we will never be reconciled and that our marriage cant work cause of the differences. I know this is what has to happen and I knew we wouldn't be reconciled. I remember there was a brief moment when Mark looked at me before we went into court, and he looked into my eyes and I saw the man I married. I could see his care and love for me still. Maybe its something that I wanted to see, but I'm 100% I saw what I saw. I remember when he left me, he wouldn't look at me with those feelings, he would look through me. Well, I guess we didn't know we were done and the judge says, "y'all are done, your divorced". I cringed when he said that. We left and had to make more copies to go file. I remember I was numb. I remember walking into the library with Mark and knew it was over. I looked at my wedding band and I took it off. I put it in my purse, there was no point in having it on. I helped Mark copy papers, which I felt stupid, cause I messed up on them, cause my mind wasn't right. We go and we file and we walk out together. I'm still numb at this point, tears still strolling down my face. Marks talking to me, but I'm not really saying anything. I didn't know what I would feel when it was all said and done, but I hated what I was feeling. Mark was talking to me about how maybe we rushed into marriage and when grandpa was sick we should of postponed the marriage, that maybe it was a sign. I told him, we could try and figure out all the whata, coulda, shouldas, but I told him I don't regret anything, he said he didn't regret anything either, other than how he handled the marriage and him cheating.
We stand out side for about 30 minutes in the scorchering heat and talk about life and where our families are and how they are doing. We talked about how we have grown and the problems that we have faced over the past year and a half. We talk about gray hair and balding and how we are approaching 30. We grew up together so these body changes are kinda funny to see at each other, since we don't see each other anymore. I'm glad I could just talk to him like we used too.
After awhile we go and get in our cars and I start to leave the parking lot and realized I had a flat tire. Yes.....a flat tire. I call Mark and tell him and he comes over there and we pull in the shade. It was a gravel parking lot and luckily I had a blanket in the trunk. Mark and I both were dressed really nice and I was worried how we were both going to do this. Mark had a change of clothes in his SUV and so he changed. While we were changing the tire we asked some questions to each other that have been bothering us. After about 20 minutes we got it done and he told me to go to a certain place to get a tire. My ex is the one who put my tires on my car and that's where I had my warranty and I told him I couldn't see my ex and he told me to go to these other places. (honestly I didn't think he wanted me to go see him, hehe). When I got my tires I was with my ex boyfriend and I hadn't seen him since March and it was one of those feelings that I didn't want to have on top of my day. I call my friend Rebecca and ask her if she will take it up to where I got my tires and she said she would. I get off the phone with her and Mark calls. He asked me where I was, (we went different ways) and he said they were closed. I told him Rebecca was going to take it up to where he works, for me. Well, when I got off the phone with him, I realized that my car is under his name and everything else, so I asked her if I should just go and face it, since its already been one of those days. She agreed and I went and picked her up.We get there and him and his friend are both there. I walk past them and don't say anything since they were on the computer. I stand in line and wait for the guy to get done with the people in front of me and when I get up there, I give him the ex bf's phone number cause it had all my information under it. I was going to have him change it over under my name, then I realized, I get a discount. So I asked him if I could, and he told me to go get his card. I go, "I cant get his card, Rebecca, go get his card". She said, "I'm not going to get it, Hey_________, do a girl a favor, and go get his card". It was funny. Its how the bestie and I role.....lol. Well he went and got it and then Cass is walking behind him. He said, "You cant say hi, but you can use my discount card?" It was funny. It was the old times all over again, which can be bad. We hug and talk and he looks me up and down. I had to tell him my eyes were up top. I asked him how his girls were and his parents. He tried to hold my hand a bit, but not really. He looked good, he looked happy. Then Rebecca and I went to JcPennys to exchange some sunglasses I bought and then I saw a co-worker of mine that just started a new job. At this point, I was dieing of thirst. I was outside for about an hour total and had nothing to drink. I was emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and was shaking from all my nerves and lack of fluids. I go get something to drink and we sit down and talk about the events for the day. We call to see if the car is ready and I go back over there. Luckily, my tire just need to be patched, got my tires rotated and a much needed oil change. Cass even told me, he put an extra $20.00 oil in it for me, so I could go 7000 miles instead of 3000. I hug him goodbye and thanked him for everything and we kissed each other on the cheek.
I sit here typing this of all today's events at almost 1am. I have cried like a baby today and even a few hours ago of the feelings that I felt. I felt numb during the whole divorce court. I felt appreciative to have 2 wonderful men in my life, that STILL will take care of me, if they can. I honestly feel SO BLESSED to look back at today and the two men that I loved and shared my life with, still can give me a hug and smile with love in their eyes. I asked God tonight, why is it, that the 2 men that I loved have someone and I'm alone? Its hard to see them happy, though I fully want them to be. I know one day all my pieces will fall together and I will have someone. I asked my friend tonight, why do you think during today, divorce day, did I see both men and how sweet they were to me? He said, "Maybe God wanted to show you, your still loved". That was a good answer. I think I needed that. I kinda feel at peace, that we are grown adults, who loved each other and was willing to spend forever with each other at one point in our lives and we can still look at each other and smile and be nice.
Ive said this before, but I am truly blessed to have loved 2 men who has the biggest, kind hearts. They chose me to be with them and even though it didn't work out, we still have memories. Mark is a good man, with a big heart and is willing to sacrifice for the person he loves. Cass is willing to put aside his happiness to see the person hes with, have a smile on their face. They both are loving men, family men, providers, supporters, comforters and men who love God. I am honored to say that they were in my life.
Though at the moment I don't "feel single", I know its going to take awhile. I really have no desire even being with anyone or dating anyone. I really just want to be alone and have fun. I want to be able to hang out with a guy and we act like kids, and not have tension of going far or kissing or anything. That sounds like fun!!!! Its what I need. I don't even think that a guy or my future husband is even close right now. I don't even feel ready, so I know its not going to happen. I want what God wants. I want His will be to be done in my life, I want His path and not mine. I say it all the time, but its something I pray for all the time. I feel better now. I prayed earlier for God to give me peace and wrap His arms around me. I prayed for him to show me, how all this bad today, turned into seeing the 2 men I love. I realized I will always carry these 2 men with me in life. They have a special place in my heart and I hope I have one in theirs. I want them to be happy. I want them to have their dreams come true.
We all will be fine.....everything is going to be okay. God is on my side. God has and will take care of me. God makes all things work together for my good!!!!!!
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