I have mixed emotions. Its going to be official today for me to be single. I haven't been single since I was 14. I'm eager and curious what God has in store for me, but its still sad that a vow I took before the Lord and I meant my word and was willing to spend the rest of my life with someone will officially be over. Though I really don't know Mark and how he is right now and he don't know me and how I have grown, I still think about the times that when we were together or the big moments in our lives.
I know some people try and comfort me and want to celebrate that I'm getting divorced and that I have new beginnings and don't get me wrong, I know this is true (hence the title of my blog), but sometimes it reminds me that I failed. They tell me I didn't, but Mark did, that I fought and did what I could to save it. But in the end, when I stood before the congregation and said my vows and now I'm standing before the court and agreeing on the papers to finalize it, I still feel it. I feel it because we are 2 people still splitting. I know I can live through this life in peace, knowing I wanted this to work, even through the cheating was the worst thing that could of happened. I hope one day he can look back and appreciate me and how I was willing to fight for us. Its so easy to walk away and not face what you do, but I was willing to face it and I knew every tear and pain would of been worth it in the long run, cause I knew God would of mended our hearts.
I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm not sad or that I'm not going to cry tonight. I "am ready" to move forward with my life. I cant be stuck like this forever and you never know what God may put in my heart. He just may fill me up with His abundance love and peace. Either way, this is going to happen and I'm so blessed to have God on my side.
Marriage is definitely a blessing. I loved being a wife and having a husband who was always there supporting me and comforting me. The companionship is what I miss the most. Marriage is also hard. Temptation comes and can kill a marriage or a life changing struggle like maybe a sick child can break you up. Marriage is a beautiful thing to me. Whats funny is that I had some people look at my life and said, well maybe if y'all prayed together y'all could of......we did that. Well maybe if y'all went to church.....we did that. Maybe if y'all lived right......we did that. Maybe if y'all listened to Christian music......we did that. Other than butting heads all the time, I cant say that we did anything wrong or bad. We didn't go to the clubs, we didn't getting drunk, we didn't watch porn, we didn't go to strip clubs, we made love regularly (tho sometimes it was just for trying for a baby). We went to Christian concerts all the time, we went on mini vacations every 3 months with just the 2 of us, we held hands and prayed together almost daily, we went to church, we hung out with some friends together, we watched appropriate movies, we played around.
The devil is strong. He came into Marks life and walked him through each step for this day. Mark may say this was all his decision and he wasn't happy, but I don't believe that. Mark showed me other ways he cared, loved me and was willing to sacrifice for me as me being his wife.
1 Peter 5:8
New International Version (NIV)
8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
I refuse to sit here and say that the devil took my marriage or he won. God could of done some miraculous intervention or miracle in our lives to bring us back together, but God is the Almighty and he sees the bigger picture for both of our lives. I honestly feel like God gave every chance to make our marriage right and Mark refused it. I pray for Mark everyday that he will walk the right way with God.
This is today's devotion. If you have read my past blogs, I have told you that I feel like God took Mark out of my life, because I depended on Mark more than I did God. I know the Bible says that God is a jealous God and he will take away what comes before him. I also struggle now with even thinking throughout the day what my future husband will be like. I would say I think about him and the curiosity more than me praising and thanking God through the day. This is one of my battles that I face. I know that I tend to put people before God and I hate that I do that. I hope and pray that the next husband that I have, he will keep me on track with us always putting God first and then ourselves. I feel like with my marriage I put Mark first and that God couldn't really use me because I didn't have God as my focus. When Mark stepped out of my life God was shining through loud and clear and he still is. He has been showing me to start my book and showing me all the blessings he wants to give me and him taking care of me, all this with no stress or worry. I never want to lose this trust and faith that I have with God and ever depend on someone else again like I did before.
I learned so much with Mark leaving me that I wouldn't take my knowledge and lessons back for nothing if we could start over and erase the past couple of years. I love who I have grown to be and who I am slowly being molded to become. My trust and faith is with God and the path he has for me. I pray nothing but good things for Mark, but more than anything, for him to surrender and repent to God and do things the right way. Please say a prayer for us today as we face the ending to our marriage.
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