Dont read this.....just horrible

I wasn't going to write tonight, but here it is at 3am and I should be asleep, but I'm not.  I was just browsing on facebook, looking up a new cover for my facebook and I went to the page I always go too, to get some encouraging graphics.

So here it is, what?  3 weeks after my divorce and I wonder when the next guy that God wants me to have will come in my life or when he will reveal him to me.  I mean, why am I in a hurry?  Why cant I just live life and when it happens, it happens?  I do miss affection and I loved being a wife. 

I realized that guys who have been married before and ones who haven't are totally different.  Nothing is better than the other, but Ive noticed the husband role the guys who have been married act compared to the ones who haven't really been in that commitment before.  I think I'm more drawn to the married style more. I just feel like when I'm with them, its more comfortable.  The single guys who I have hung out with who haven't been married, kinda still watch out for themselves and you can sense the "selfishness" per se of it all.  The guys who have been married before, offer to pay for food, open the doors, protect you, and just know how to act with women better and I know its all because they have already lived that way with their ex wives. 

I also think once you been married and is still young like me, you know what you want.  Someone who hasn't been married, still want to live the dream of getting married and spending forever with their soulmate.  Don't get me wrong, I still want that too, but I also have lived of 'till death do us part' crashing to the ground.  So when I'm around a guy who has been previously married, its more like a deeper and comfortable feeling, cause I feel like its a personal bond knowing about reality and what love and hurt is truly like.  In more simple terms............I feel like a 'single' person, doesn't really know what its like to have someone break a marriage.  I understand that single people can love and be heartbroken as the next person, but truthfully, when you stand before God and you become husband and wife and you share that commitment, you feel the vow.......or least I did.  So when your spouse breaks your vow, ...............okay.........in divorce class, they gave us a graphic that said when your married, your united as one, so you are one whole person in Christs eyes......well when you get divorce, your vow is broken, you don't just split from that person, you and that person will always have a piece of each other, no matter what.  I feel it.......now that I am no longer married to Mark, nothing can take away what once was. 

My days are getting better and better as I live more and more and have more memories.  I cant even express how I feel.  This is driving me insane!!!!!  I feel free!!!!! I feel like I have the whole world in front of me and its just waiting on my parade.  Then I have days where I want my life to be where I want it, married with a family.  I cant just sit here and always think of what I want.....when I can be living life and sharing Jesus to others and writing my book and doing my photography and meeting new people.  I told my friend tonight........"Were old enough to know better but young enough to still do it".  Meaning, I meant, were old enough to still go and have fun and still live carefree and not have anything tie us down.  We both don't have kids, but still old enough to splurge and get away with it, cause were still young.  I had to step back a few weeks ago and realize that, I am 26 years old.  I still have so much ahead of me.  I still have a purpose for this life and I am still at that perfect age, that if I was going to start over, then my golly, Now is the perfect time!!! 

I feel like God has been revealing to me, that either way what I want.....its not going to happen.  Everything is going to happen in his time, when he feels like I'm ready.  I just keep putting my trust in him and he keeps letting me have fun while I wait.  Its really an amazing feeling when you just give it all to him.  I'm really at peace.  Do I wish some things were different?  of course.....but this is my life....this is what it is on August 24, 2012.  Ask me next week and it might be different. 

I think its getting late.....I can tell I'm rambling and I'm pretty sure I'm still going to post this, just because, I'm Joy Rachel!!!! :)    If you really knew me, you would know I don't make sense half the time and I mumble when I talk and my mind goes on and on and on......  :)     gotta love me!!! :)