Puzzle pieces slowly getting reattached

Alot of times when I sit at home in my room, I really think of the past and the future.  Since I am in the transitioning part of my life, it makes me think of how I got here.  I'm trying not to dwell in the past and I have accepted this is my life and that I cant change anything.  I really have said my goodbyes to the people who arnt in my life anymore.  I catch myself thinking about them and might shed a tear or two, but within minutes I feel this warm sense of feeling from God and a reminder that its going to be okay.  I just feel this overwhelming peace and assurance that happiness is around the corner.

I have really had to step back and look and realize that being alone right now in this part of my life is actually rewarding.  I get to meet new people, evaluate my life, learn who I am, define who Rachel is, and grow closer to God.  I will fully admit that being single can totally suck sometimes.  I do miss the affection of a man and someone telling me they love me and having that sense of protection at all times.  At the same time, I feel God hold me and love me.  I'm human and I have desires, emotions, feelings, needs, and wants, but I cant lower my standards for temporary pleasure.  I have looked at people all around me who are single and feel like they need to make themselves happy with settling or "hooking up" when in turn leads them to misery.

I know in my heart of hearts that God has this one man for me.  He reminds me all the time when my mind wonders about "settling" or when I get in the "I don't care" mode.  I want to admit everything, because if someone reads this that might struggle, I hope it helps them.  I feel like I was made to express my feelings and emotions, I really have no filter, but I feel like that's why my book will be about me.  I wont be holding back.  I want people to see my life for what I see it, all the bad, good, lows and highs.  I don't want people to think my life is picture perfect or disastrous.  I have had both, just like the next person.  I want to share with people how I handled my highs and lows.  I have many many people come up to me and ask me how I survived the things in my life.  I honestly, don't understand the question.  You take it....you live it....you go through the emotions, you pray, you cry, you laugh, you get angry, you scream, you go numb, you shut down, you talk it out, you get away, you cut people out, and again, you pray.  Every low in my life, you go through the emotions and it makes you stronger.

I have been blessed in my life to meet many people who have gone through some of the different trials I have faced.  I have met some women who are still in my life from miscarriage groups, I have friends from kidney cancer, I have recently have had alot of new friends from divorce/infidelity.  I enjoy talking to them as we grow each day to a brighter future.  I love seeing blessings fall in front of us and we see God working in our lives when we were all at the bottom of the pit depressed.  We now have hope, we have smiles on our faces, we have faith, we have a positive attitude that our puzzle pieces that once were all scattered are now slowly getting reattached.  I know nobody wants to go through divorce, especially the ones who really fought and did everything they could to save their marriage, but now seeing some of us who look at life totally different and appreciate the small things, I really do feel like we are blessed to have a second chance on life.  I have met a few close people and we all will sit here and say that we never felt that our ex spouse was who we were supposed to marry.  I know alot reading this, might think...."well y'all are just saying that cause you got burned".  No, really.....no.....its a feeling I cant explain.

You know the love stories that are perfect.....the ones where prince charming comes and saves the day and loves you till death?????  I know realistically its not like that....you got bills, death, birth, events, trials, temptations, emotions that all have a factor in daily life.  For some reason though, I really feel like there is a prince charming out there for me.  I know life isn't going to be picture perfect, but being together will feel perfect.  I don't want any doubt of me being with someone......I know who he has for me, there will be peace.  I have seen alot of couples who really had soul mates.  My grandpa for instance....I have heard so many people tell me that my grandma and grandpa were soul mates.  My grandpa will also tell you he only remembers him and his wife getting into one fight. (now hes a man, so ya know....haha) I want that.....I want a peace and a love where its just peaceful and respectable towards each other.  I want to be so in love and it be from God that we can just look at each other and talk it out and pray about whatever might be bugging us.



I know myself too.....I want to be able to be confident around him and me not doubt his love for me.  I don't know if its because I got burned, but I catch myself getting really insecure and not worthy of a mans love or attention.  I never felt that way with Mark, but with other men I have caught myself.

So its 4:13 in the morning and I have to get up at 8am.  I had alot on my mind tonight and I needed to vent.  I also need to post some pics from Saturday.......until then....this is my latest addiction....Talking to the Moon