Im gloomy

I don't know what it is....usually around this time of year, I would be ecstatic because Christmas is this week, but lately, Ive been stressed and gloomy. I put my application in for another job. Not to replace my other one, but to add another one for the weekends. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do. But I'm trying to think of the summer, when no income is coming in on my half. That really puts a dent in our money for 3 whole months and then it takes 3 months or so, just to try and catch up. But the school year is already half way over and we could always use some extra money. I just don't want to have to work 7 days a week or even 6 honestly. I guess if it gets far enough and I go into an interview, then I will tell her that. I woke up early today, because she told me to call her Monday at 10am. Well....shes off today, lol.

Also another reason why I'm gloomy is because I really don't feel pregnant. I don't have any signs and symptoms. Whats new right? This happens all the time, but coming January we were going to take the next steps. I honestly, don't know if I want too. I think mentally, I'm coming to the end of my ropes. Yes, that's right. I'm thinking about just throwing in the towel and giving up. Sometimes I don't even see me with a kid, I cant visualize it. Maybe its supposed to be, just Mark and I forever. We come and go as we please, we plan things, no worries of any babies, we get our sleep. Maybe this is what God has in store for us. For some sick reason.....I like it!!

We really don't have money to be forking out on IUI's and I don't know if I even want to go that route to get pregnant. I got pregnant twice and for some reason I cant keep them. Maybe theres just something wrong with me and I'm incapable to carry a baby to full term. I think if I was to get pregnant, I honestly don't think I would enjoy it. I would be a miserable wreck the whole intire time and every little thing, I would freak out. That doesn't seem enjoyable either.

I guess what I'm trying to say is....I'm tired!!! I want to enjoy life without the constant worries of when I'm Oing or when we have to BD. I'm tired of wondering in my 2ww if I'm going to harm a baby that may or may not be growing inside of me. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and then them come crashing down each and every month. I'm tired of putting my husband through a schedule and telling him he cant take his medicine (long story). I'm tired of trying to make love making "fun", when really, I'm not in the mood. I'm tired....mentally, physically, emotionally of it all.

Next month will be 3 years since we started to have a family of our own. I guess in 3 years if we don't already then, maybe its not for us. Yes, I know there are women that tried and waited a whole lot longer than that, but maybe they are just stronger and more determined.

So I'm going to stop being gloomy and enjoy my Christmas!!!