New Job

I start my new job today...yep that's right....today!!! The day before Christmas Eve. I don't know what to say about it. I'm kinda bitter, but I think its because its right before Christmas and its all happening in my 2 week vacation. I started doing my bathroom and now that's not going to get done before Christmas like I planned. I had to rush yesterday and had a bad day yesterday, trying to finish my last of shopping. I'm kinda nervous about tonight....Ive never worked a retail job before and its a job that I really don't need. I don't know why I'm feeling like this. I really want this job, because I know it will help out alot in the summer time and it will be less stressful to what I'm going to be doing until then. But I think deep down, its like a sure thing that I'm not going to get pregnant. I don't want to work 2 jobs when I'm pregnant. I don't even know I want to work one job being pregnant. With all my losses, I'm such a high risk already and with one kidney. I think all I would want to do , is stay home and nurture my baby. But I don't care anymore right, about having a baby? Ugghh.....This just sucks. I don't anymore....I want to scream....I want to run away....I want to cry.

Why is this Christmas stink so far? Is it because we broke records high on weather this week in the 80's? Is it because I'm starting a new job? Is it because now that I'm closer to my period, I know that I'm not pregnant? Is it because, I'm moody and cranky, because of PMS? Is it because, yesterday was a really bad day for me, because the bank wouldn't cash a check, because it was made out to my business name and not me? Was it because there were so many people yesterday shopping and I had no clue what to buy my husband? Is it because, I think that we will never catch up on our bills? Is it because I'm starting a new job today and I'm nervous and anxious cause its at night time, so I have all day to rack up my nerves?

I have so much to be blessed, but yet, I want to complain all the time. I hate that....I am so blessed, and yet I haven't sat back and realized what Christmas is all about lately.

Please help me pray for peace and to be calm and to realize that I am blessed!!! I know it, but I want to feel all these things!!