31 days

Here it is.....December 1st.  I cant believe its the last month of the year, only 31 days left of the year.  Its been an eventful year.  A year that I have taken time to grow and figure out who I am.  I cant say its been the best year, but its been a good time to grow and figure out who I am.  I am grateful that I have taken this time to be alone and to figure out who Rachel is, without anyone.  It sucked at first being alone and getting used to being by myself.  I had my share of cries this past year, but no one defines who I am anymore.  I am looking forward to my new relationship and going in it with me and no baggage. 

I understand why people are afraid to be alone, I really do.  When your used to something for so long and especially since you were a kid, to all of a sudden not have someone to rely on or depend on or even tell you they love you, can be overwhelming.  Its kind of a like something dies inside and your whole world is empty.

Have you ever heard the saying, "I could be in a room full of people and still feel very alone?"  Its so true.....its not something I hope to ever experience again.  I know there is a difference, from being alone and being lonely.  Of course I still have my lonely moments, but hey.....I'm human.  I think even sometimes in the middle of a relationship, when someone is next to you, you can feel lonely at times.  I know I definitely have my moments or mini episodes of wanting the touch from a man.  I have been blessed with having alot of great guy friends who have been there for me.  I have came across the ones that arnt as great of course, but I have weeded out the good ones and bad ones in my life. 

I think back about a year ago, last year even.  Last year I have to say, was one of the worst years of my life.  This year wasn't so bad....but I know I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions this year.  I think some of my friends are fed up with me (in a good way) of my head talking.  What I mean is, I express what I think and I might say the same thing 1000 times and I'm sure they are just getting to the point of ignoring me or shutting that part out.  I wish sometimes I could just turn my brain off. 

Someone told me yesterday that "I'm my own worst enemy."  They really didn't know me all that well, but told me that from how I talk, I shut people out of my life.  They said they can see this wall up to the sky blocking anyone new into my life.  First off, I never saw that, but I see it now and Secondly, its sad that people can see that.  Maybe that's what I needed to hear to slowly tear my wall down and to be open to meeting new people and maybe saying "Yes" to a date.  I just have felt for so long now that I had no desire to meet anyone or even give anyone a chance.  Maybe this will be my goal for the new year.....maybe I could go on a date or two a month and to just see whats out there and be a single 20's woman.  I cant shut everything out because of fear.  I cant not live my life.  My life is precious and we are only here for a certain amount of days on this earth and I cant shut people out because of fear of getting hurt.  I'm not even sure if that's a reason why I shut people out, or I just have been focusing on me for so long that I just had no desire.  I mean, of course, I wont lie and say I'm not scared of getting hurt......I think if anyone has gotten hurt or betrayed in the past, its up there front and center of it not repeating itself in that persons lives.

I'm not sure what I want my New Years resolution to be....I guess I do have 31 days to think about it, but since last year, was focusing on me, ("I'm doing me"), I'm sure this next year will be about me opening up or having fun and enjoying life.....who knows..... I will let you know the closer it gets!!!!!  :)