My 2013 New Years Resolution

Since Christmas has ended, I have been thinking of the New Year.  I have looked back at myself this past year and have seen how much I have grown.  I have spent the whole year focusing on me, my grandpa and God.  My last years resolution was, "I'm doing me" and I believe I did it!!!!  Back in 2003 I had wanted my New Years resolution to be, to not drink any sodas....well, I can say that I haven't had a soda since.  It was hard at first, but honestly I cant remember the struggles, because now its just a way of life.  I think the only thing I miss about sodas is sometimes when its on Sonic ice or I miss Big Red and Root Beer floats, but other than that, I never think about it.  This past year I really did focus on me and what I want and what I want out of life.  I have gone through some rollercoasters of emotions this year, but hey....I did get a divorce.   I look at the two men I ever loved and they both have someone and they look like they are going to spend forever with them and honestly I'm happy for them.  I wont lie and say I haven't struggled with it and being lonely.  I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me, but at the end of the day, God hasn't shown him to me yet.  I have set my standards up really high and even the kind of man I want.  I have come to a conclusion that I deserve the best and to be treated the best.  I wont settle for less or settle for someone who wont try in a relationship. 

I have been told by a few people that I have a wall up.  I think I have built myself a wall while I worked on  myself this past year and I wont let alot of people in, especially men.  I have made alot of male friends this year who are really nice guys, but I wont ever let it get past anything else and I'm not sure why.  I think I wont allow it too, cause I know they arnt meant for me.  I have noticed how I find something wrong with everyone and I honestly hate that.  I know I will never meet a perfect man (other than Jesus) that wont have flaw or something irritating about him.  I think it all just comes down to my wall and my excuse to put something else up to not get hurt again.  I was thinking the other day, last year, I had my heart broken twice.....the only 2 times, and it was all in the same year.  I think in some way it has scarred me, I really do.  I know its not going to be forever, but I wont allow myself to be open to just anyone, hes going to have to be special.

So as I spent this past year building my inner self, becoming more independent, and learning to take care of myself and my household without any help, other than my grandpa of course, I have loved the woman I have become.  There are certain things I'm still trying to work on, like being more giving, but I feel like I have become someone God has been trying to make me into for awhile now.  I can honestly see why he took certain people out of my life so I could be shown that I can do this on my own with just God and me.  I feel like now I can be the woman, wife and hopefully mother that I can be towards my future spouse.  I remember thinking that I wouldn't want years to go by before God would show me things, that life was too short and I wanted it done soon!!! Well, God laughed and showed me that His plans arnt my plans.  God knew I needed years of growing and I'm hoping this next year will be lots of new bloomings for me.  I feel ready to take on something new in this life and hopefully it is a new relationship.

I'm also wanting my  next years resolution to be about my outer self since I worked on my inner self.  I do feel strong and love who I am with my inner self (for the most part) that I want my outer to match it.  I have a little bit of confidence, but my weight is something that holds me back.  I really cant imagine why men would want a girl my size and when someone tells you your beautiful, Ill be honest and say that I doubt their statement.  I always say almost every year that I want to lose weight the next year and every single year, January 1st rolls around and nothing changes.  I have been so determined this past week and its all I think about.  I know this is something that will be hard and will take challenge and its something that I'm going to have to devote and dedicate too, even on the days that I don't want too.  I know I can do this.....but I doubt myself 60%.  My percentage of doubt is slightly higher than my will power too.  I hate that.....I am a woman who says shes going to do something, will do it and I cant say that 100% on this. 

I'm not sure if my goal is an unrealistic goal, but this next year I want to lose 80 pounds.  I kind of want to lose it before my birthday, which is in October.  I know it can be done, but it will take alot of work and I dedication.  One thing that holds me back on losing weight, honestly, is losing my boobs.  I know that alot of people might look at this crazy, but I love my boobs.  I think boobs are sexy and feminine and I want to keep mine just the way they are.  I know my body and it will be something that I will lose....not all, but enough that I hate the thought of it.  Its really something that I struggle with and weigh the pros and cons of actually losing weight.

I don't know if I will lose that much or honestly any....but I want too.  I want to dedicate myself into something and I want to reach a goal.  I am single and I have this time to actually focus all of my time and energy into myself and I don't want to waste it.  One thing that does suck is my hours at work.  Sometimes I open up early, sometimes I close and I really cant work out before work, because I have to be dressed and presentable at my job.  I have to wear makeup, have to have my hair done, nails done, 5 layers of items, so its hard to do everything before, so I thought about joining Planet Fitness and just go after work at night and work out.  I still want to have my membership at the Y, because I love the Zumba classes and everything else it offers.

I was thinking about how much I wanted to lose and what my goals would be and I really don't have alot.  I just want to get back down to when I was the most fit in my life.  Theres no certain size or measurement or what I want my body to exactly look like.  I think I just know that when I start working out, my muscles will come out of hiding and show through.  Of course it might not look like it did when I was 15, but hopefully close.

So here's to my 2013 resolution........."To lose 80 pounds".  <----- actually="actually" for="for" hard="hard" me="me" nbsp="nbsp" that="that" to="to" type="type" was="was">
.  I guess in a year we will see if it worked or not.
I'm honestly just sitting here looking at that.....debating if its a realistic goal and I hate that I doubt myself.....I feel like if I cant get to the goal then I'm already discouraged.  I know its a mental,  mind thing, I really do get that.  I just hate to set myself up for failure.

With the New Years resolution of losing 80 pounds, I have some other things that I want to work on:

1. Paying off debt, even if its a little bill here and there
2. Staying close and focused on God
3. Build my business up
4. Learn more about photography
5. Get a good, dependable job
6. Becoming the woman God wants me to be
7. Helping others
8.  Hopefully to start on my book
9.  Witnessing to others
10. TO ENJOY LIFE!!!  NO MATTER WHERE I AM OR WHERE GOD HAS ME!!!

The last one is really one that I struggle with.  I tend to always look in the future and what my life will be when I'm married or have met the man God has for me and not enjoy NOW and what I'm learning and who I'm becoming.  I struggle with it a little, but in the end, I do accept this is where God has me and its for a reason and to enjoy it, embrace it, learn from it, help others, and just live!!!!


I think that is one thing that I can look back at pictures of this past year and love seeing!!! God blessed me alot with getting out and seeing new things or going on mini road trips, or meeting new people.  I can honestly say that this year was a good year for me even though I struggled with some things.  I feel like I came on top with my growth!!!!

I hope everyone has a great next year and I hope everyones dreams come true!!! :)


I listened to this while typing this......***Click me***......another thing is it took me 2 days to do this....I had stopped last night and picked it up this morning, so its a little long....