This weekend

So we wait.....I believe last Saturday I ovulated....Bad sharp lower right pains and then they went away. I knew it was them, so I didn't do anything. But I did have bad gas that was stuck that was mixed in with them. I learned that if I lay on my back and rub my belly in circles, that helps. I don't know if anyone else gets gas trapped, but it hurts.

This weekend I am spending all my time with my hubby....I made vegetable soup yesterday and then me and him played Domino's and Mexican Train. Today we went shopping and grabbed some dinner. Its been a great weekend with him. I hope this week is a good week for both of us!!

This past week

This week was a good week. It was not as busy, but I had to watch classrooms 2 days. Tuesday and Wednesday, I had to watch the little kids and the high school. Tuesday was the little kids and then the high school, and then Wednesday was the little kids. On Wednesday morning I walked in the backdoor and then the teacher was like, Hi Mrs. Rachel...and I said...why you say it like that? lol....she never talks to me like that. She said, My kid just threw up....so that meant for me to watch her classroom while she took her home, because her hubby was working. But after all that, that morning, another boy ran to the bathroom and threw up. So the first 10 minutes of Wednesday morning wasn't to pleasant. Everyone started to Lysol everything, lol. The sickness has been crazy around the school, including me. I have been having a sore throat and losing my voice. I think Ill be okay though.

Tuesday I had to watch the little kids for about an hour and then after lunch I had to watch high school, because their teacher had to take both of her kids home, because they were sick. THEN....Thursday we were supposed to have bad weather and so we got to leave at 1pm.

Friday IT SNOWED AGAIN!!! not as much...not nearly as much, but it did snow. They were worried about so much ice that it would knock out our power, but it didn't happen here. It did happen a small town near us. The weather has been crazy this year. But I'm thankful.....I love cold weather :)

January 30/31

Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and revering him. -Deuteronomy 8:6

January 29

Now faith is being sore of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. -Hebrews 11:1

I like this one!!!

January 28

...Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love... -Joel 2:13

January 27

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. -Hebrews 4:13

blah

So this morning I woke up feeling like crap. I think its official that I am coming down with something and I guess the weekend I was just feeling all the pre-symptoms. I know there is alot going around and a bunch of the kids, I would say half of the school, has something. I always catch something, which I don't understand why I do. I guess I have a poor immune system or something, because I have been taking my pro-biotics. They help kill the bad germs. Who knows....

I also feel like I have so much to do. There is alot coming up and alot to do and get ready for, that I'm feeling overwhelmed. Usually by now, I would have all my bills set and ready for the next month, but I haven't even touched them. I don't know when I'm going to get to it. I hope soon!! This Friday, I am going to try and get my hair done. I haven't gotten it cut or anything since August....its about time, lol. Also, my grandpa has a massage set up Friday too. Next Wednesday my grandpa has a Dr appointment and then the 13th, (I think) is my woman yearly exam. I do get to see my GYN....last year I had his practitioner. I wasn't to fond of her. Then we are going to go out of town one of these weekends coming up. I'm excited for that. I love going to San Antonio and doing fun activities down there. Its good to get out of town and spend time with the in-laws and of course me and Mark plan our own things to do. We are going to be gone for 4 or 5 days and its good to stay with the in-laws for free board room, lol. His dad would get mad if we went anywhere else. Marks brother invited us over to his house, but he told him, thanks, but my dad likes us to stay there. Which its good too. We stay in Marks old room and he loves his old bed. I'm used to the house too and know my way around. His dad is a good dad and a very protective dad. I love to go shopping by myself in SA and his dad hates it, lol. I know my way around, since I have been so many times and Mark hates to go shopping and they have all the good stores there right by his dads house. So, I'm hoping to do it again!!!

Then in March, I am most likely going to Dallas for a Senior Trip with my work. It'll be about 3 or 4 days and we will be staying in a fancy hotel downtown and then we are going to have a limo and going to eat at fancy restaurants. They are basically doing the same thing I did my senior year, lol. These kids are different then me and my friend when we went. Me and my friend were chill and relax and more grown up. These kiddos want to go to the mall and shop. Shopping I don't mind, mall I hate. But its their senior year, so Ill try and not complain to much, lol. But me and my friend took trips out of town when we were 16....these girls, I don't think have been away from the parents for a long period of time and they are 18 and 19. Its just crazy to me. But we are all different.

I kinda seem mean and negative on this post huh????...................hmmm..............its probably my grouchy sick self. I feel like crap. I hope I get better soon!!!!

January 26

Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done. -I Chronicles 16:8

January 25

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. -Proverbs 16:9

This is how I feel right now!!! I know God is going to give us a baby and I know my desire in my heart is to be a mother and to have a family, but we pray in HIS time....He will guide our steps toward the future and the timing will be perfect!!!

Random

I have realized when I asked my friend that today is the 24th....bills are due. I don't even want to look at them, but I know I need too. I haven't even looked in my checking account lately. I have been slacking alot. I have not been feeling good, including right now. I feel like my head is going to explode and I'm going to throw up. I think its my eyes. They are so strained.

I need to do my grandpas pills for the week. I need to do the bills for this next month. I need to take a shower and get ready for work tomorrow. I need to look up renting a car for a trip coming up. I need to do all these things and I don't want to do any of them. They are all ready here on my bed, but I would rather just sit here and type, but really just lay down and close my eyes. I need to put a something cold on them. I think maybe it will make them feel better. I thought my massage might ease up some pain in my neck, but it still hurts. I wish Mark was here, he would rub my eyes and neck for me. Hes so good at it. I need to go to bed soon, cause this past week was horrible and I was so tired everyday. I'm out!!

Distant

I feel like I have been distant from my friends lately. I don't know if its because I have been working and have been tired or what. My week this week was a very long, and I repeat a LONG week. I have been having some lower pains and it has been difficult for me and also my boss has been going crazy. She is finally being able to move into her home and she has just been going mad about it. Also, everyone is sick up at the school with bronchitis and everyone has been tired and moody. Its sad when the kids want to take naps. I have felt like crap too. Mark thinks I'm coming down with something and also I have been worried about him and his test results. I feel like I haven't even seen my grandpa this week, cause I come home and go straight to my room. I have had a headache every single day and has taken a nap every day. I am hoping that this next week is better.



Friday was an alright day. I got up when the Dr called and after I found that out, I got ready for my massage. Mark bought me a massage for Christmas and I have had some knots and also my headaches and thought it was time for me to get mine done. So I went and I had a different lady...I had the owner and she is just awesome. Ive known her since junior in high school. She was like....we didn't even get anywhere other than your neck and shoulders....she knew it was bad. She had to put some bio-freeze on me so I wouldn't be so sore and I was sore!!!! But I feel alot better. Then after that, it was so pretty outside and it was just me, I went out and visited my moms grave. I hadn't been out there in awhile and I really needed to talk to her and visit her. I know shes not there spiritually, but mentally its good to think shes there and spend some time alone, thinking. Our cemetery is out on the skirts of town and where my mom is buried, is on a small hill with an open field in the back, and its so pretty. We have a bench and I sit out there and watch everything and look and the glorious clouds. Maybe one day I can take a picture and you can see my view.

Then today, I was sick all day. I couldn't even get out of bed, I was hurting. For once I didn't want to go to the Dr. (thank you Zoloft) and I endured the pain. I feel alot better now, thank you Jesus!!! I spent some much needed time with my wonderful husband. We are planning a trip here in a few weeks, and I'm so excited!!! I want to do so much and plan so much!! I love road trips.

I cant believe that this month is almost over. But its okay....because there is so much exciting things coming up. I'm going to be super busy.

I'm sorry to all my friends for not talking alot. I have been feeling down and getting sick and I'm hoping I will feel better soon!!! love you all

Marks test results

So today at 9:45am when we were sleeping the Dr called. Mark missed his phone call and it took a few times calling back when Mark got ahold of them, but let me tell you, I was a nervous wreck. I knew that this phone call could be a life changing call or a relax breathing call. So Mark for some reason waited to tell me, and I was just stressing out. But then he told me, that the Dr. said....They saw some "lesions" on the MRI, but the ultrasound took better pictures. Mark needs to go back and get an ultrasound in 3 months, I guess to see if its growing or what. I mean, I have mixed feelings about this, because, there really isn't an answer, but then the only thing they could do is to open him up. So...I guess we just wait the 3 months. The Dr really doesn't seem concerned and he said if they never even went to look at his kidneys, we would of never of known. Mark has no pain or anything and so we are just hoping that its a cyst or nothing. Thank you for everyones prayers. They mean alot to us. Its scary to wait on something so scary, for someone you love and for yourself. But God is good to us and he has blessed us so much. The verse that I put before explains how I am feeling.

So I was driving today and Dr. Lamar's office called today too about Marks semen test. She told me that everything is fine and it looks normal. So that was a blessing too. Then it makes me think though...is there something wrong with me? But I'm not worried about it. God has told me, I'm going to get pregnant, and I know he doesn't lie. :) We pray in HIS time, so we are just waiting when that might be.

January 23/24

From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. -John 1:16

January 22

Get your minds on things above, not on earthly things. -Colossians 3:2

January 21

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you... -Isaiah 43:2

January 20

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. -I Corinthians 13:11

sweet

John 16:21

"A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come: but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world." John 16:21

January 19

...He will proclaim peace to the nations. His rule will extend from sea to sea and from the River to t he ends of the earth. -Zechariah 9:10

January 18

....let us love one another, for love comes from God.... -John 4:7

(Martin Luther King, Jr. Day)

Maybe TMI?

This might seem really out there, but I have to tell you something. For the past week, I have noticed my boobs getting bigger. I was looking at them and was thinking....hhmmm...they seem bigger. Then, the next day, Mark looked at them and said, "they look like they have gotten bigger". I think its just weird. I dont know what to do with them, lol. Its crazy!!!

But you know something I have been thinking about. You know the show, "I didnt know I was pregnant"? I was thinking....what if that was my case. I know I have my periods, but then I think, well, my boobs are getting bigger, and I have been craving this weird stuff and Im moody and tired all the time. I know Im not pregnant, but it has crossed my mind. I guess I should stop watching so much TV. And for some reason if I did wake up or all of a sudden have pain like contractions, I would probabaly think I was dieing!!! lol. BUT also the good thing would be, I had been taking my vitamins. All those women didnt have any prenatal care when they were pregnant, and I would have. I still take my meds everyday.

January 16/17

Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. -Psalm 84:4

Apps on Facebook

You know I have been thinking about, all the time I spend on these games on the computer. I'm starting to see how sad it is to base your life on this apps. Like, oh my "blank" is done so I need to go do it before it ruins. I mean, is this what my life has come too? Do I not have anything more important to think about or do? I heard someone ask..."If you knew in a week you were going to die, would the time your spending be the same or would it change?"

I know my time would change, my life shouldn't and isn't based on these apps, so why do they take up so much of my time? Couldn't I be out there helping someone else, or helping leading someone towards the Lord, or maybe doing the Lords work. But then I think.....What I'm doing, isn't hurting anyone and I'm not doing anything illegal. I'm just spending my time, entertaining myself, just as if I would watch TV or play video games. It just reminds me, of how important a baby is. I would love to have a baby and spend all my time, playing, and kissing and cuddling up with them. To see life in someone you love and created, these games would just be simply silly.

Lately, and I ADMIT!!! I'm guilty!!! This week has been horrible for me. I think we went out and ate or gotten something to eat, every single day this week. That is horrible....we don't have the money for it and we don't need to be eating like that. And now.....I FEEL LIKE CRAP!!! I mean, I really do. Mark hooked up the PlayStation in the nursery and I'm going to start doing my biggest loser exercise DVD that I bought at Sam's this week. Its like a 6 week challenge and that's what I need. I always think when you start a diet its forever and everything that you are used to is thrown out the window. I know its a life change, but I know if I just get more active and keep stretching and moving around more, then I will feel better. I love to eat healthy things, but sometimes I crave the bad, greasy foods, and for some reason that was everyday this week. Its just horrible!!! But yep.....I'm going to "try" and see how I do and try and keep it up.

Another thing, this week, I have been MOODY. I mean far out moody. I get mad on the drop of a dime and yell. And little things just get to me. I have snapped at Mark so bad last night, when he was trying to sleep. I felt bad....and also that day at work was horrible, and it keeps bothering me. I have to see this man, and this woman and I don't know what I want to do. Set it straight and stand up for myself, or just lay it be. I know the time will come and I will do whatever I feel is necessary, but I hope they don't pick a day I'm grouchy. I don't like being grouchy. I'm thinking I feel this way because of the way I have been eating lately. I know it can have an impact on it. But I'm tired of it, and I want to be healthier and feel better, instead of a slob!!!

New lunch pale

Yep, you heard me right, lol. I'm excited over my new lunch pale. We have this store that is going out of business and I visited it occasionally and then Mark noticed a sign that said going out of business, everything half off. Well.....I had to see what they had left. This store has jewelry, purses, belts, crowns, scarves, sunglasses. Its a chick store. So they didn't have much left, and it looked like most of the good stuff was already gone, but then I saw this rack of bags. There was big bags and little bags. But the little bag, I was thinking....I could use this as a lunch pale. So I open it up and what do you know? Its silver inside!!! Its a lunch pale!!! I swear that happened, lol. So I get it, and it has my R on there....half off....cant beat that. So maybe I can stop using the plastic bags now from the grocery store!!!

New Music

I got some new music on my page....some of my recent favorites.....and a couple I stole from my friend Tina's page....hope she doesn't mind :)

What makes a mother

What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come strait here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

We did it

We took Marks stuff to the laboratory....so hopefully soon we can see if there is anything wrong or if there is something wrong with me. Maybe theres not anything wrong with any of us, but I just don't want time to go by and there was something wrong and we just wasted all this time. I know I can get pregnant, but anything could of happened between then and now.Maybe Marks high blood pressure and stress from his job is causing some problems, or like I said, maybe its nothing at all. Marks Dr called and he has to get his MRI next Thursday. We are praying for healing and good health and that there isn't anything wrong with him. Please pray for him too.

I would love more than ever, to get pregnant this month. I would love to have an October baby, next to me, and another Libra. (Marks family are all Libras) I would love to maybe have a 10-10-10 baby, that would be neat. But in the end, its all up to God and what he wants and when he thinks we are ready for a baby. I want to be able to have a baby normal and naturally, without having to take pills or to do IVF's or anything like that. I would love to see my BFP just from natural intercourse. I can tell my pills are working and I really don't stress like I used too. I know my body is used to all the stress that I was under and I know my body isn't just going to snap back into place. Its been 3 or 4 months and so I'm hoping I'm relaxing enough for my body to accept the sperm.

For Christmas Mark got me a massage, so I'm thinking around my ovulation time, of using it, so my body really relaxes. You know, massages can cause early periods to start because of how deep relaxed your body gets. Who knows.....I'm going to try anything at this point.

January 15

Is there anything of which one can say, "Look! This is something new?" It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time. -Ecclesiastes 1:10

(new moon)

January 14

And we, who...all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory....
-2 Corinthians 3:18

Rockin the LJS Hat

We went to Long John Silvers and I saw these on the kids high chairs....just had to get one. Started wearing while we waited on our food....for some reason people kept staring at me....Im not sure why!!

Rough Day

This week has seemed to drag to me. My sleeping is so off that it is wearing me out. So on top of being tired and sleepy, my day was horrible. I got up early and got to work early. In fact, I was the first one in the building today. Then at 8:25 one of the teachers husbands calls and bitches at ME, for HER tax problems. Yes, I write the checks, but we gave all the teachers a choice if they wanted any extra withholding out of their paychecks each week. Well she decided not too and now they are going to have to pay money when they file. Well where do I come in and its my fault or problem? I take an extra $14.00 out each week, so I can get money back at the end of the year or just so I wont have to pay. I was heated today when he called. First, I don't even like this man. He is an old man who is grumpy and who thinks he knows everything and tries to tell me how it is. I don't think so.....I don't care who you are or how old you are, you DON'T know everything.
I called my boss and told her what he did. She knows I don't like him. I wont have anything to do with him, but I do treat him nice when I'm around him, just so there wont be any drama. Oh and he hung up on me. All he kept telling me was that he didn't want his wife's pay to change, since the Obama changed back in April. Well, I didn't change it then, but when the new school year started, we got a new pay amount and we asked ALL staff, what they would want to do. I went home and talked it over with Mark and we both decided to take out the extra and she came back and said, NO, don't take out anything. Well....there you go. None of the staff took anything extra out and now that its time to file, they want to change it. BUT COME ON!!!! WE WENT OVER THIS AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SCHOOL YEAR!!! WE HAD THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION ABOUT IT!!! You know they are pocketing an extra $56.00 a month then me, and now they are complaining cause their going to have to pay. ARE THEY IDIOTS? I mean I don't understand....

But how dare he, call ME up on the phone and BITCH at me. I don't like that at all. AND THEN....his wife goes....Did my husband call you? because I told him to be nice when he called. WHAT???? excuse me??? I just wanted to slap her.....I'm thinking....ITS YOUR FAULT!!!! You and your husband need to deal with this. NOT ME!!! GGGGGRRRRRRRR

I have been pissed all day. I DO NOT like to be yelled at and hung up on because of something THEY did. I have no control over her choices, and they better be lucky I'm in a good mood Monday. I'm not even kidding....this is some BS right here.



AND for some reason at PE time today, the kids decided NOT to listen to me....so we went inside and they worked....
AND then I come home cause the plumber was here today and its still leaking.......SO they will come back tomorrow!!!
I hope tomorrow is better!!!!

3 days

So I havent posted in the past 3 days. I will update you on whats been happening.

Monday was Marks 25th birthday. He had to work the night before and that night, so he woke up around 12 and I took him out to eat at Carinos. Then I took him to the hospital to get his nasty glow drink that he had to take on Wednesday and then I dropped him off at home. I didn't get to see him for the rest of the day. So, I went to work and we had parent/teacher meetings and school board meeting. I was so tired that I was falling asleep at the meeting. I came home, got on the comp for like 30 minutes and then went to bed at 9pm. I woke up on Tuesday and Mark never made it home. I usually see him for a few minutes before I head to work, but for some stupid reason, they were doing some random check and he had to stand in line for over an hour just so he could leave. Making everyone take off their boots and making sure they wernt carrying anything. The sad part is, he didn't get paid for that and also, he was so cold he got a cramp in his leg that is still hurting him. So I didn't get to see him until I got home, and then we went and got him a cake since he didn't have one for his birthday. He wanted to try the one at Dairy Queen, the ice cream ones, I SO DON'T recommend those. It was disgusting. But mind you, I don't like cake anyways, but this was just horrible. But anyways, he kinda had a sucky birthday, but I guess when you get older they cant be all fun and games. We are thinking about doing something this weekend, maybe go to the casino or something. We were thinking about going to Dallas, but we really don't have the time or money right now for that. Then today we didn't do much. Went and weighed in at the Y and went out to eat and to a couple of stores. OH....Mark had to get a CT scan done this morning of his abdomen, because they found a mass on his liver and they want to make sure its not cancer or anything. So the Dr calls around noon and tells Mark that they Radiologists wants him to get an MRI done. Mark told me, that the Dr said they couldn't see anything on that scan. So I don't know if that's good or bad. I mean, if you don't see anything, then that's good right? I pray that its nothing....nothing at all, and if it is something, then its something that is harmless. I love Mark so much, and I watched my mom suffer for so many years and I can imagine watching another loved one go through that. It is pure torture. That alone is a big fear of mine. So with all of this going on, I am still encouraging Mark to get his semen analysis. My AF is officially over and I really would love to have a baby this month. I calculated from the last of my period and if I got pregnant, my due date would be October 15th.....I love that!!!! That would be the ideal for me. But this is Gods time, not mine. I would love to have another October baby and maybe she would come on 10-10-10. I just want a baby so bad. I just picture me with everything. A baby, crib, diaper bag, car seat....everything. I am more than ready now than ever. I TRULY am ready.

I want to thank Tina and Rebecca for being there for me during all of this. It means alot to me. For me to have 2 close friends that I can go too, anytime to talk too. I cant express how that touches me and makes me happy and grateful to have friends like you two.

January 13

God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. -Job 37:5

January 12

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. -Psalm 139:9,10

January 11 (Marks Birthday)

But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds of the air, and they will tell you..... In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind. -Job12:7,10

Im stuck

I feel like I cant move on. I think about my friends who are pregnant or has had their baby and what they wanted so bad, they got. They are moving on with their lives and their new bundle of joy. They are blessed and now is moving on with the good things a baby brings. Their first walks, their first crawls, their first poops, their first everything and then it will be their first day of school, their first b/f or g/f. I feel like, right now all I'm doing is waiting on my BFP. I am....theres nothing to get around it. But I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like the years and days are going by and I'm just sitting here watching the world go by while I wait. I see more and more women and girls getting pregnant and I'm just watching them get pregnant, go through each trimester and then finally having their baby. I watch them grow through it all, being a cheerleader for them while they are in the game. I want to be in the game. My dreams are so strong for a little one, I want to give my all for a little one. They will be my focus on in life and making sure they are being raised to glorify the Lord. I feel like I'm done with everything that I want to do in life. I am ready to watch my baby experience new things and see their expressions on their face as they learn and see things for the first time. Today wasn't a good day for me. I have been feeling down. I learned today that my friend is pregnant. I am so happy for her. I really, truly am. I don't wish bad on anyone, and everyone who gets pregnant, I am really happy for them. I just wish I could go through a healthy pregnancy and be in the game too. A child is Gods blessings and I sure do hope he gives me one soon!!! I pray for God to give us a baby in HIS time. I say that alot, but its true. I don't want to lose another baby. I want to be able to have a full term healthy pregnancy and delivery. Please pray for me and my guidance in life!!

Something I needed to see today

:(

Today I went to my cafemom account, cause I havent been there in awhile. Well I had made this friend on there that had a baby a year ago Saturday. We were friends when she was at the beginning of her pregnancy. She had the baby and I find out today that shes pregnant again. I mean dang.....I knew she was trying, but sometimes I feel like its not fair. Between her and her husband this is the 8th child. Im not saying she dosent deserve the baby or anything, but couldnt it just skip her in the meantime, and for me to get pregnant? I guess I just wish it was that easy for me. Is something wrong with me? Is something wrong with Mark? Are we not meant to have any babies? Why are some things so much easier for people and yet Im waiting? Im already nervous to get pregnant and scared to lose another baby. What if I get pregnant and then lose a baby all over again and Im sitting here almost 2 years later talking the same way? Its taking so long to get pregnant that Im scared if I lose another baby its going to take so much more time to get pregnant again. Today I have felt bummed. I dont know why. I was hoping that I could surprise Mark for his birthday with a BFP test. But he didnt get that. I just dont know anymore......

Marks birthday

Yes, his birthday is tomorrow. He will be 25!! A quarter of a century years old. The bad part is....he has to work tonight, into tomorrow morning and then work tomorrow night. I have to work ALL day tomorrow. We have a school board meeting and parent/teacher meetings tomorrow. So we are going to try and go eat for lunch and he will open his gifts when he has to get off of work in the morning. Its not fun, but I guess its life when you get older. Maybe we can try and plan something soon. Money is tight, like it always is after Christmas.

I'm going be happy when the good Lord gives us a baby. But we talk about having a baby close to the holidays. Birthday parties, gifts, and everything else, on top of Christmas gifts and food. Its already hard to get all of that with Thanksgiving and then Christmas, but to have a baby so close or even after would be tight. BUT, alot of people do it all the time and it works out just fine. God knows whats good and he takes care and provides for us.

I do hope this next time around is our time. I would love to have an October baby with me. I know its close to the holidays too, and my birthday, lol, but they would be a wonderful gift for me. I had my hopes up high, and for some reason today I feel bummed. I wonder if we are ever going to get pregnant, but then again....I have to remind myself that God told me I'm going to get pregnant. I want a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy with a healthy mommy and daddy...and grandpa.

An Unfinished Life

An Unfinished Life…
© Madi N Mikala's Mom
I’m sitting here mystified and numbed with pain
To lose someone so close, yet so far away.
Some say you can’t lose something you never had
If that’s true than how can I feel this sad?
I felt more close to you, my child
More than anyone else around me
Because I felt you so deep within me.
So small no eye could see
Yet so full of life was felt already.
Disbelief and uncertainty consume my brain
As the tears fall like rain,
Heart pounding hard, feels like thunder
The sorrow and anguish down under just can’t be explained.
Was I being punished for a sin I committed?
Was I to learn something from this and just didn’t get it?
Please God answer me… what did I do to deserve this?
Does he know how much I love him?
Cuz it’s your job now to tell him!
I already miss him… I’d do anything to kiss him…
To hold him and embrace the mere presence of him.
I can only hope for one of these days
He comes back to me, this time to stay.
To find it deep within his heart
To give me the chance for a brand new start!

Little Angel Unknown

Little Angel Unknown
© Ronnie Hunter
A little angel unknown I, am, my place is as an angel in a secret land.
I didn't have a name as such, you didn't get the chance,
I wasn't meant to live on earth just touch you by the hand.
I've been sent to touch your lives and I know you’ll think that cruel,
but its only special people that are chosen exceptions to the rules.
I knew you would love me from the very start,
from that first sighting & beating of my tiny heart,
so I know that it will hurt you that you have to say goodbye,
but I am your guardian angel now and I'll dry the tears from your eyes.
I'll be there by your side wherever you now go,
I will hear you speak of me often & what I might have been if I'd grown,
I'll be the special angel in the picture that you have,
I'll remind you of my brother & my dad,
I'll have your little features all of you as one
& I'll love you always as my special mum.
You might not have got to see me as a living breathing thing,
but I'll be the ribbon around your heart and my love will be deep within,
this pleasure I promise will be mine,
to be your guardian angel from now until the end of time.
I'll gift you with my presence every night within your dreams,
walk always as your special unknown angel
gifted to you within just for a short while,
so think of me often and smile,
For I, am your very own special unknown gifted child.

January 9/10

When I am afraid, I will trust in you, In God whose word I praise... -Psalm 56:3,4

January 8

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessings in Christ. -Ephesians 1:3

January 7

The word became flesh and made his dwelling among us... -John 1:14

January 6

...Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked, "Where is the one who has been born king of Jews? We saw his star in the east and have come to worship him." -Matthew 2:1,2

January 5

I will proclaim the name of the Lord. Oh, praise the greatness of our God! He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just... -Deuteronomy 32:3,4

January 4

...Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. -Joshua 1:9

January 2/3

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

January 1st

I got this calendar at Kohls that has scripture verses for every day of the year. Im going to try and post these everyday, but I might miss a few days. Im starting from January 1st and then will add them each day. Oh...and Saturday and Sundays are together.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.- Genesis 1:1

Mark

So yesterday morning, Mark got a call from our Dr telling him his test results. Marks kidneys and everything look fine, but while they were looking at those, they found a mass on his liver. So Wednesday he has to go get a CT scan so they can look at it better. The Dr thinks it just probably a cyst, but they still need to rule anything else out. I have been so worried. I don't know whats worse, when you are sick or when your loved one is. I looked up liver cancer and Mark doesn't have ANY of the symptoms, so I'm praying its just a cyst or NOTHING at all. I love him so much and I don't want anything to happen to him, me or my grandpa. They are all the family that I have left.

Marks birthday is Monday and he has to work, so I'm going to take him out to lunch for his birthday. I wont get to see him all day, so I hope the lunch will be relaxing for us.

I really want me and my husband to have a family together. I just really want to be able to make him a daddy. I sure do hope our turn is coming up soon!!

A little bit of this, a litte bit of that

This AF is hitting me hard. I have been sleeping ALOT and coming home and taking naps. Well then I don't go to bed till late, so I guess I'm just catching up on the hours.

Work was good this week. I thought it would be hard to go back after being gone for so long, but it was quite a good, successful week. We only went to work Tue-Thur, but the kids were pretty good coming back. I feel like God has really just blessed me with this job and how I feel towards it this year. He just amazes me. He is always taking care of our needs and more.

Mark went to the Dr Tuesday for his blood pressure. He has really high pressure and has been taking medicine for it and Tuesday was a follow up. He always got some results back from his blood and urine test. The blood came out fine, but his urine test shows that he is peeing out all his protein. So today we went to a small hospital here to get his kidneys and arteries looked at by a sonogram. Please pray that everything looks normal and that his results come out just fine and healthy.

Also yesterday, I went to my GYN office to pick up some stuff for Mark to get his semen analysis. He is uncomfortable with it, but you know what? I think ANYONE would be. Men or women. I think I would be too, its just weird. But now we are thinking, maybe his blood pressure and stress might be a cause of why we arnt getting pregnant too. But he will get to see sometime in the next month to see what his stuff looks like.

I really hope that we can have a 2010 baby. I would love to get pregnant and have a baby THIS YEAR!!! I hope it is in Gods plans. I feel ready more than ever and I just want to be able to feel my baby kick inside of my belly and having the joy and happiness of holding them and loving on them.

Please keep me and my family in your prayers when you go to bed and say your nightly prayers. God has been so good to us and I thank him for everything he has given me. I feel like he has been showing me his blessings and he knows that this baby would be even more of a blessing and nothing else would even matter, for the love and joy a baby brings from the Lord!!!

Many faces of Rachel

SO ITS A.....

NEGATIVE!!! Im used to seeing it these days. Its okay. I kinda got my hopes up this month with using the pre-seed, but Im not giving up with that stuff. This next month I am going to do my tempertaure every morning and also use the ovulation strips and use the pre-seed. We are going to "try" and do the sperm meets egg plan. With our hours and tiredness, it gets really hard sometimes.

Today is around 10 DPO. I started my AF on 12-11-09 and this week I should be starting soon. I actually thought I might be pregnant, because my boobs didnt get sore right after ovulation and I guess deep down I was praying and hoping we would start of this year with a wonderful bang. But before and during I took it, I was praying for this to be Gods will and if it wasnt, then I didnt want to be pregnant. He has something good in store for us and his time is just something I need to wait for. I was trying my hardest to wait as long as I could to check, but today at work I felt mini cramps. When I was pregnant I felt the same thing too, thats what made me think I wasnt pregnant, but the Dr told me its just growing pains that I was feeling. So onto the next month.....send the baby dust this way please......

Jeans?

So today was a pretty productive day. I got to spend some time with my grandpa and my hubby. But later this evening I had an accident and got the old turkey from Christmas crap all over my boots. So my hubby told me he would buy me some new boots, but I had to go get them, cause he didn't want to get out. So my buddy Rebecca went with me to the mall at 8 at night to go look for me some boots. Well I went to the store in the mall where I got my other ones and they didn't have anymore. So I was like shoot, and started to look at the clothes. So I have to confess, I have'nt worn blue jeans in like 3 years. I gained alot of weight and the jeans that I always tried on never fit right. The crotch was to my knees or the butt was to big, or they went all the way up to my boobs, or the sizes never went high enough. I'm not skinny by no means, but tonight, I was like, "I want some jeans". So me and my friend tried some on, and low and behold, I found some. They were a little tight on the waist, but I was thinking and remembering all jeans are like that and then they stretch out. I was so happy and excited. Also the store was having a sale, buy a pair get one for $10.00. But when I went back to get the same pair, because it fit so well, they didn't have anymore that kind in my size. I go to check out and I'm talking to the lady and then she goes and helps me find a pair. I try those on to make sure they fit and then my good ole buddy decides to bring the lady who got our dressing room and the manager to convince me they look good. It felt good....I admit it!!! I'm insecure about my body and I try and hide it as much as I can with bigger clothes. Rebecca was weirded out how when I put jeans on, how they made me look like I had a figure. I'm glad I had her tonight to go "girl" shopping with me and giving me advice and encouraging me. I have my husband, but hes not a girl!!! So I left the store with no boots and 2 pair of pants. I am wearing them as we speak. I am just excited to have some now, that fit and look good. Though, now it kinda motivates me to lose some weight. I want to look better in them :)