Another rambling night

I saw this today on facebook.....its a page I follow and I sometimes struggle with the concept, if I am really over my past relationships. 

 

Dear Future Spouses,
Don't do it... If you are still checking out an ex fb page to see who he's with... You're not over him. It's time to move on. 

 

The good news is, is I DONT!!!  In fact, Ive blocked everyone and everyone associated with them, so I wont bump into or see anything.  I cant sit here and say I don't think about them or wonder how they are doing or what might be new in their life.  I know that's going to happen, its human, I once cared about them and I still do, but I no longer want to know what goes on in their life.  I want them to move on, I want them to have a happy life, I don't wish bad upon anyone, and I hope they feel the same about me.  

I still believe

 I'm eager to see what the New year will bring.  I have been thinking about it lately as this one comes to a close.  My resolution last year was, "I'm doing me" and I think I did a pretty good job with it.  I have focused on me and did what I want and what I didn't want and I never got peer pressured really into doing anything that I didn't want too.  I am proud to say that after my divorce was final, I didn't go on this make out rampage, in fact, it was the opposite.  I have no desire to kiss or make out with anyone, unless I'm going to pursue a relationship with them.  I have really come to the conclusion, that I am special, that I am worthy of the best and I don't want to lower myself or settle with anyone for temporary happiness.  I would rather sit here alone and be lonely, then with a guy who I'm always doubting if hes the one, or doubting my love for him.  I feel strong and yet, I still feel weak.  I know I'm not ready for a relationship and it worries me when I will be.  Its not something that consumes me, but its something that I think about, with when I will be ready.  

Every single day, I pray for my future spouse.  I also pray for God to show me and lead me to the man he has for me.  I also kinda made this "bet", not really a bet, but I kinda asked God to do something to me, when that man does walk into my life.  Funny thing is, is I'm sure when it does happen, I wont believe it. lol  That's just me!!! I will question it all for some unknown reason.  

I went tonight to the parade down town.  I was meeting up with a friend down there and it so happens that I stood in the EXACT same spot as last year.  The same spot with my ex and his family.  How that happened, I have no way of knowing, because that's exactly where my friend was.  Another thing is, I was watching all the couples and families and it started making me think of this time next year.  I wonder what next year will be like.  I wonder where I will be or even if I'm still single thinking the same exact thoughts.  I don't stress about it, but I'm curious.  

I have this ideal guy in my head.  I have so many things I would want and what I don't want and I'm kinda scared Gods going to give me the opposite of everything just because he can. haha   So I have to admit, like when I was at the Parade, I saw this man from across the street.  I saw he was with his kids and wife I'm guessing.  I couldn't stop staring at him, not lustfully, but he was very attractive to me.  He was the type of man that I would want.  He had a full beard, baseball hat, big guy, but still athletic, dark hair, white....I took a pic, but you cant really see him, its blurry.  I know people are starting to think I'm going crazy or have seen it awhile now.  I'm just admitting things that people don't admit or don't want to say they think about.  This blog is about me and pretty much what goes on in my head, my struggles, my good times, my testimony, my life and my thoughts on everything.  I go through phases, like I went through an Illuminati phase and a decorating the house phase and a workout phase, and now its a future phase.  

So its 2:22am and I have to get up at 6:00am to be at work, so I think I'm rambling and it might not make sense, but I wanted to share my thoughts tonight.......so peace out!!!