Ive thought about this and what I have said since we talked. I have no filter. I have been trying to work on it, but really my mouth talks faster than my brain. I say things I don't mean or I say things that don't come across the way that I am meaning to come across. I have had people take things wrong from me ALL the time. When they finally do confront me, I have to explain myself, cause from what I thought I was saying, isn't what they heard.
I'm the type of person and pretty much most of my friends know that I speak whats on my mind. I have had certain friends even come up to me and ask for my personal opinion because they know I'm going to tell them exactly how I feel with no hold backs. I get that not everyone wants my opinion or my in-put, like I really do get it.....but sometimes I honestly feel like if I don't give my two cents, then I cant "be" there for someone. I think with me, I feel that one of my best assets is to offer my advice, encouragement or prayer.
I know when I have gone through my bad times and trials that I do reach out to people for advice and prayer. I only know myself, because I'm me and I know that not everyone is like me. I do struggle with the people who when they do go through hard times, they shut people out of their lives and don't talk to anyone and keep it all to themselves. I cant wrap my mind around that and comprehend it. I know when I went through my hard times, my friends words and support was what motivated me to get stronger and move on and lift my head up and that this too shall pass. So in turn, when someone goes in hiding, how can I be a friend or give my advice or encouragement or prayer? I feel like they are shunning me away from being a friend and I feel like they don't want my help. So my natural reaction is to give up and accept they don't want to be a part of my life. I have reached out several times and feel like I got shunned so I know I cant make someone be a part of my life. That is one thing that I have learned more than anything over the past couple years. Ive kind of gotten used to accepting people moving on and not looking back.
Ive been told to give them space and in time they will come around. Ive never been in that position, because most of my friends who I have in my life, have been my friends for 10+ years. Now I know the whole reason behind us not talking wasn't because of hard times, a big part of it was miscommunication. I remember one time they gave me advice or saw something I didn't, because well, its normal for us to see one way but alot of people out looking in, sees a whole different story, and so when people kept telling me of one thing back in the day, I saw it, but really didn't, cause I saw something else that no one else saw. (if this all makes sense, I'm trying to not give so much away). But this person opened my eyes up to something I never even thought about. I was simply trying to give something that I could see could happen. I also remember when we had this discussion that they got really upset, but I was laughing because what I was saying couldn't possibly be that mean. They took everything that I said and took it in a totally different way than what I was even thinking. I still to this day, don't understand how or why they got so upset with what I said. If it was reversed, I would of never even took it that way or let it bother me. I guess other peoples opinions or outlook on my life doesn't affect me. I can take 10 different peoples opinions and accept it and move on and not think twice about it. To me, the only persons opinion that matters is Gods. If I'm doing everything I can to please Him to the best that I can, then I'm okay and at peace with it. I'm not perfect and I know I stray or sin or do wrong, but that's the human of us. I do ask for forgiveness and repent of my sins. Now, I have the past week have even asked my close friends who are believers, if I do something or say something or think something that isn't to scripture in their eyes to let me know. I know we all get in our routine or accept things around us that arnt really from God or pleasing to God and I feel like I need to be reminded of what is right.
Like I said before, I know we all arnt the same and we might not all strive each day to please God like I do. This is the relationship that Ive always had growing up. Ive always feared God and knew I wanted his blessings. Right now in my life, I do focus on Gods plan for me and focus on what he wants me to do. I don't want people to think I'm stuck up for wanting to do Gods plan all the time, or I don't want people to think I look down on people who don't strive to do Gods will. I think alot of times, I look at my Christian friends who do know from right from wrong and if they do start doing something that isn't pleasing to God, I simply ask them what God would want. I don't try and tell them what to do, but try and open their eyes up to something they might not see.
I just feel like I haven't changed. I feel like the old Rachel with following Gods will has came back since I did stray and now people arnt liking it. I guess I cant have people in my life who don't want me to always want to do right cause they will bring me down. I have actually stepped out of peoples lives whom I knew were going to bring me down. How can I focus on God and what he wants if I'm going to be tempted to do wrong or put myself in a sinful way? Why would I want people in my life who know they are choosing wrong but still do it? I really understand that Christians arnt perfect and we all make mistakes. I can accept someones past, but I do refuse to accept someones present if they are living wrong and they know what they are doing. Why I say this, is because, all my Christian friends knew when I was living in sin that I knew what I was doing. In fact, I pushed them away and they kind of stepped out of my life because it is really hard to see someone you love living in a sinful lifestyle. I totally got it and understood. Now my friends were there when I decided to live right with the Lord and I appreciate it. I understand. I really do understand why they needed to do that.
Now everything that I'm saying has nothing all to do with me and this person. Some of it has to do with other people or things I have faced recently. I just wanted to vent today, because well.....I really love this person and I would never ever intentionally hurt this person. I honest to God just wanted to share what I thought I could see or thought could happen or just how I felt about certain things, that's it. I thought they knew me alot better than what I happen to come across. I never wanted them to think I thought less of them or question our friendship. I honestly still don't understand how or why they feel the way they do with what I said. I don't know how they took it, because I feel like with our one conversation, 2 people heard and said 2 different things. I do apologize if some how they heard and got their feelings hurt with what I said. I'm still confused now than I was before we even talked and laid things out. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have put the ball in their court and I guess over time we will see how they really feel or want our friendship to work. I have told them that I was here for them if they ever needed anything and I'm always here for a good vent or shoulder to cry on. Ive even offered some financial help if I possibly can to help them because I love them so much. I don't know 100% what they are going through, or dealing with or facing in their life right now, but I just want them to know I'm here. I still want to be the best we can together and I never want our friendship to ever end. So I guess, I wait.........
Please pray for us even though I never shared alot of who we are. I love them very much and their family and I hope we can become close again soon! I do miss them in my everyday life.
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